Deployment Month Three

I guess three months feels about right…at times it feels like Chris has been away much longer, but for the most part three months is how it feels. And, let me tell you what three months of deployment feels like…it really stinks. This month felt packed full of tough things in all different areas.

Most poignantly, Chris’ sweet, spunky grandmother went to be with her Jesus a few weeks ago. There was a hospital stay before she left this life for her Home and with Chris a world away, it was difficult relaying information and knowing that he was on pins and needles awaiting news. In the midst of such a trying time, God’s grace was on display – Chris was able to call and talk with her a few times during her time in the hospital and I was (amazingly) able to get in touch with him immediately so that he could call his family. We all grieve the loss of her in our own lives, but rejoice that she is without pain in heaven, walking on streets of gold. As I write this, I am overcome knowing that she has had the chance to meet our first sweet baby that we never even had the chance to meet and I know that meeting was precious for them both.

If that wasn’t difficult enough, this month held other challenges too. Work was incredibly busy and it was hard for me to leave it all at the office at times. I had to make a few changes in my daily routine in order to be fully present with the boys when we were home and those changes made a huge difference in our time together in the evenings. Evenings have been my best chance to possibly catch Chris online so that we could chat for even just a few moments. I found that I was so focused on catching him, that I was missing out on some great play and connection time with Brody and Caleb. I realized that I had to let that go and be absolutely present with the boys even if that meant I would miss Chris for a day or two. So, on most days now I don’t take my computer out until the boys have gone to bed and we have had so much fun!

 

This month also saw a huge decline in the amount of communication from Chris. Before I was getting semi-frequent phone calls; they were short, but at least I was hearing his voice from time to time. Now, we maybe get to chat for a few moments every couple days on facebook, but that is about it. I miss him so much. Through a USO program called United Through Reading, Chris was able to send the boys a book and a video of himself reading that book to them. It was AWESOME! The boys are still over the moon about seeing daddy read to them. Me, however? I cry every time we watch it. I miss his face, I miss his voice.

And, Brody is missing his daddy. Wow. Nighttime is so very hard these days. For Brody, that is when all the emotion of missing Chris sets in. He has trouble getting to sleep and it is not uncommon for him to wake up in the middle of the night just crying that he misses daddy. It is heartbreaking and also, if I am honest, in the day-to-day parenting of it, a little frustrating. He gets out of bed multiple times a night and I can never be sure what might send him from happy into tears at night. I try to balance lots of snuggles with good firm boundaries, but some nights are just hard.

So, it’s been a hard month; much more difficult than the previous two it seems. But, in the midst of all that, I am still doing lots of things to be sure we are still having fun and enjoying life. I refuse to sit around and sulk and pout all day. So, the boys and I stay busy, we play and have fun and sometimes when we all need it, we have a movie and pj day.

The verse that has stuck out to me most this month is this:

Joshua 3:5 – “…Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.”

I have unwavering trust that the Lord will do (and is doing) amazing things through this time. My job in the whole grand scheme? Consecrate myself unto Him. That’s it. Lock eyes with the Lord and let Him handle the rest. As long as my eyes are fixed on the Author and Perfector of my faith, I will be able to walk on stormy waters and not sink.

So, yes, deployment totally stinks. I miss my love more than I can bear, I hate seeing my boys miss their daddy and I am tired. BUT…I will choose to consecrate myself for I KNOW that the Lord will do amazing things! He is my Strong-tower and the Joy of my Salvation. In Him alone will I rejoice!

Prayer Requests:

-          Pray for Brody; particularly for his nights. Pray that he would so clearly sense his Abba Daddy’s arms around him as he snuggles in for sleep.

-          Pray for Chris – sleep is elusive over there also as nighttime tends to be filled with activity (the war kind, not the fun kind). Pray for his safety; pray protection over his heart as he deals with the realities of war. In the midst of all else that he is doing over there, he is starting online school for his Masters as well (two actually!), so pray for that.

-          Pray for me that I would keep priorities in line, that I would have good self-care to be the best mom I can be.

-          Pray for Caleb – he’s our little trooper, for sure. I am navigating lots of change with him (taking away his pacifier, moving him into his big-boy bed and potty training), so I want to be cautious and aware of any additional toll these might take on him.