Shepherding

It is almost 10pm and I have just put our 4-year old Brody back to bed for the third time after calming him down from frantic crying because he misses his daddy. Bedtime has now stretched on for two and a half hours. I am tired, frustrated, heartbroken and…did I mention tired?

Challenging bedtimes isn’t necessarily anything new for us with Brody. He has never been the best sleeper, but the past few months have brought it to a whole new level. His emotions are upsetting his sleep and his lack of sleep is affecting his emotions in a cycle. There is something completely unnatural about a 4-year old having a broken heart; it is clearly not how things are meant to be. Yet, that is what Brody is experiencing.

I have implemented so many things to make this time of separation easier on the boys. We have always been a routine family, knowing how important stability is for our children, even more so in seasons of disruption, so routine continues to be key. We have pictures of Chris up around the house; family pictures, pictures of him with each of the boys, army pictures, etc. The boys each received a daddy doll for Christmas (these are wonderful little pillows with Chris’ full-length picture on it in a perfectly hug-able shape. www.daddydolls.com), Brody sleeps with one of Chris’ shirts and we have a few videos of Chris that the boys can watch. We have deployment workbooks and storybooks, even an Elmo video where Elmo’s dad gets deployed.

Even with all of these wonderful resources, it can’t take away the pain of daddy being gone and I have had to accept that I can’t make that all better. I have a huge responsibility to help support our boys and make things as easy as possible, but I can’t eliminate all of the hurts of the heart.

I have to see this as an opportunity to show Brody and Caleb that God is with us at all times and that we can turn to Him and find Him reliable when we hurt. What a precious time to show them their Rock and Strong-tower in both the highs and lows!

The boys are handling deployment in completely different ways and it makes me feel as though I am trying to run two different races at entirely different paces at the same time (think marathon and sprint – you can’t do both at the same time). I try to keep Caleb connected to Chris through fun activities, talking about him and watching his videos. Caleb loves that; he loves seeing Daddy talk to him and seeing his face. At the same time, I am struggling to maintain emotional stability with Brody as he tries to process very adult feelings with such little life experience or development to be able to do that. Brody tells me multiple times every day how much he misses Chris, but doesn’t always want to see his video and often struggles with talking to Chris on the phone.

Add on full-time work, church, friends, exercise and most days I reach some level of exhaustion. That is when I think of these verses in Psalm 23:

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

I am reminded that the Lord cares for me, protects me, nourishes and refreshes my very soul. I have nothing to fear (not even the emotional health of our children or the safety of my husband) for He is with me. I take a deep breath and let these words wash over me. I also let them guide me in parenting the boys.

How am I shepherding them? Where/what are their quiet waters that I need to lead them to in this stressful time? What am I doing to refresh their soul and guide them along the right paths? I know that I am only able to lead them in those areas because of what God is instilling in me first. I love the balance highlighted in these verses about quietness and refreshing of the soul, yet also leading along the right paths. That is a delicate dance that I do every single day; when to comfort and soothe the boys and when to hold firm to constancy and boundaries. Both of those are crucial and they feed off of one another. Because I provide stability in boundaries, I can bend when comfort is needed. Because I comfort, they will know my love in boundaries. I must be a studier of our children to know them deeply and to know what they need. I must, most importantly, be intimately connected to the Lord so that He can lead me in guiding our kids.

I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me at my parenting worst and calms me in my utmost frustrations. I am beyond grateful that in those moments when I feel so sad because I am doing all of this on my own, He reminds me that I am far from alone. I listen and allow Him to lead me to a place of rest and down the path that He desires for me. Those things restore my soul so that I can parent with patience once again.



*I began writing this post about a week ago and in the past few days, Brody has been sleeping so much better! I am rejoicing at the peace that has come to Brody at bedtime lately and am thankful for the prayers that have supported him in that way!