Home

I forget sometimes. I forget that this place, this life is not my home. I so easily get wrapped up in the day-to-day and I get frustrated with the details of life and I get just plain tired. Conversely, I can put too much weight in the fun, easy things as if they are what I should strive for. I live my life day-to-day acting as though this life is so important, as if all the details are vital. I forget how skewed that is and how mistaken I am when I live that way. As a Christ-follower, this is not my home.

Different Bible translations use words like foreigner and alien when describing our position in this life. Those are strong words and I have been thinking of them lately in relation to Chris being in Afghanistan and how nothing must feel familiar to him. The sounds, the smells, the food, the scenery, the temperature, it is all unfamiliar. And I imagine he feels more than a little off-kilter, for Afghanistan is not his home.

Admittedly, I become too comfortable in this life, too comfortable living off-kilter. I allow my thinking and my ways to be lazy in the fight to stay upright in a sideways world. I sometimes believe the lie that this sideways world is desired.

The Bible gives us glimpses of our heavenly home and tells us in James 4 that our life here and now is only a vapor, a mist or fog. Not only does this word picture suggest the brevity of life, but the haziness of it as well. This life is short, out of focus and is not our home…and I often forget that truth.

I remember I am a foreigner when life is hard, when things are not as they should be; when my husband is gone for a year fighting in a war, when my kids miss their daddy, when I fear the year ahead. That is when I am reminded that this place is not our home and how that is reflected in things that are out of focus or not quite how we know they should be. I am reminded that my heart and mind must be focused on Heaven and the Lord in such a way that I am not surprised by the struggle in this life and that I grasp what is of true importance. Staying connected to the heartbeat of the Father is what will keep my view clear…He is my pair of glasses that clear the fog and bring my true home into focus.

If I desire God, His ways and the home that He is preparing for me, the things of this life here and now will come to a new level of clarity. That doesn’t mean the pains of this life won’t hurt, they surely will. But, it does mean that I will take the crud of this world, the heartache, the fear, the uncertainty and I will run to the Father with it for He alone knows how to redeem it because he knows what our home is really like. He sees it clearly and desires to give us little nibbles of a life we cannot even imagine. I want those nibbles to instill in me an insatiable appetite for the things of God and for my hunger for the things of this world to recede.

There is a song sung by Fernando Ortega called Don’t Let Me Come Home a Stranger and it gets me thinking every single time I hear it. When I arrive in heaven someday, I want it to be as if my heart is already there waiting for me and it is in every way like coming home (which it will be!). I want it to be familiar to me here and now in anticipation of that amazing moment. I don’t want to buy into the illusion that this life is what it is all about. I want Jesus to be what I am all about and my focus will remain clear if I keep that as my goal.

It’s been a rough week – busy at work, reality hitting home of Chris getting to Afghanistan, preparing for Christmas without him, adjusting to getting things done as a single parent and on and on. I’ve been stressed and I’ve been sad and I’ve had moments where I’m distant; everything seemed a bit foggy. But, it has been a near constant reminder that this is not my home. I have been reminded through the difficulties of the week to draw near to the Lord for not only will I find peace, but I will find clarity and focus and hope of my home to come.  

Lessons on Faith from Brody

Jesus tells us clearly in His Word to have faith like little children, for they are at the heart of the Kingdom of God. I see this evidenced in the lives of my boys and the lessons I learn just from watching their faith deepen my own.

Our sweet little Brody has a heart for the Lord that stops me in my tracks, humbles me and brings me to tears almost daily. It seems selfish to keep these lessons only for myself, so I thought I would share some moments of faith from Brody lately…

Moment #1:
 As I walk the boys into their school each day, if we enter from the back we pass by the cafeteria. During the Christmas season, there is a large nativity set up there. It is one of those large plastic, light-up sets that you often see in front yards this time of year. Kinda cheesy up close, but my perspective on them has changed a bit this week. The boys and I walked in on Monday morning and Brody saw the cafeteria nativity for the first time. He looked up at me with pure wonder and whispered in awe “Mommy, can I go see baby Jesus?”  He then detoured from our normal route down the hallway and it was as if the entire world fell away and he was only interested in getting to his Jesus. He walked over, sat down in front of Jesus and just stared at Him. Brody’s face was filled with wonder, peace, and excitement; he looked like there was nowhere else he would rather be.  Caleb and I walked over and we talked a bit about the characters of the nativity and when it was time for them to head to class, Brody leaned over and gave this plastic baby Jesus a hug and kiss and whispered “I love you, baby Jesus”.

That picture has stayed with me this whole week and I feel there is much to be considered and learned:

·         Be interruptible for Jesus. The nativity was out of our normal morning routine and it was out of the path to take us where we were going. But, Brody saw Jesus and had a magnetic pull to be near Him. I often need to learn to release my plans and path ahead to swerve and be where Jesus wants me. As a planner who likes to have things mapped out, that is not always easy to accomplish. The beauty of Brody being fully in that moment was a stark reminder of the value of being aware of where the Lord is moving and jumping on board even if that means a detour from where I had planned to go. Just head straight for Him.

·         Allow the presence and reality of Jesus to draw us in. Once Brody’s eyes locked on this little plastic Jesus, he had no other desire than being near Him. If I consistently lived in the reality of who Jesus is, nothing could deter me from spending time with Him; yet I often let distraction rule my days. Jesus is overwhelmingly alluring if we truly recognize the reality of who He is. How could I want to be anywhere but in His presence when I know His character, His love, His patience, His faithfulness? I want to hunger and thirst for the Lord in a way that nothing else can hold a candle to being near Him each and every day.

·         Let the light of Christ change us. I believe it is impossible to be wholly in the presence of Lord and remain unchanged. As Brody sat and stared at the scene before him, the light from these figurines glowed on his face…and beyond that, his countenance changed to reflect absolute peace and contentment. Jesus Christ is a piercing light into the darkness. He doesn’t allow the dark corners in us remain in the shadows, but He invades every part of us. That light does not bring condemnation (although sometimes it does bring correction), but it brings love like we cannot experience anywhere else and His light changes us. The more I allow Jesus to redeem my own heart and life, the more others see His glow in me. I want to radiate His presence the way Brody did just being near an image of Him.

Moment #2:  As the boys and I drive in to work and school each day, there is a certain intersection that we get to where we pray for our day. In the craziness of getting out the door by 6:30 each morning, I use that intersection as a reminder to pray once we have settled into our drive a bit. Twice this week, Brody has prompted me to pray long before we reach that point in our drive. On Tuesday he said “Let’s pray RIGHT NOW, let’s not wait”. I’m not sure any further explanation is needed here, but what a great phrase to remember that God longs to hear from us at all points throughout the day. We don’t have to wait for a meal time or quiet time or only while we are reading our Bible. Pray as the Spirit moves, pray thankfully as you encounter good things in your day, and pray when you have need. Just pray and ‘let’s not wait’!

Moment #3:  One night last week, I had a really rough night. These have not been commonplace in Chris’ absence, but it was a night that I had trouble getting to sleep and once I finally did I had a terrifying dream about an intruder in our home. I awoke with fear on my heart. As my heartbeat slowed back to a normal rhythm, I had a clear feeling that I was right smack in the middle of spiritual warfare. It was almost as if I could ‘see’ the battle going on for my heart in that moment. I lay in my bed and prayed and prayed and attempted to get back to sleep. Right as I was drifting off, I heard Brody come out of his room and he came and stood right by the side of my bed. I asked him what he needed and he responded, “I just needed to come and give you a hug, mommy”. I know without a doubt that my little guy, at three years old, was in tune with the Lord to heed His prompting to come into my room and show me a little love in a moment that I needed it. It was a beautiful, precious moment that I will not ever forget.

That night was a great reminder to me to pay attention to those nudges from the Spirit. I tend to have a more reserved personality and I can often choose to ignore what I feel or talk myself out of taking action on things that the Lord impresses upon me. It might be a word of encouragement to someone I don’t know well, it could be giving a hug when I’m not sure it’s wanted, or a word of wisdom for someone’s life. Brody jumping out of bed that night just to come give me a hug was an awesome example to me of moving when and where the Spirit leads.  It makes me wonder how many opportunities I have missed out on by not acting.

It is so incredible to watch the heart of my child be drawn to the Lord and to see intimacy happening between he and his Savior. I am blessed, humbled, and overcome at a God that invites little children unto Himself and has a unique relationship with them. I pray that Brody’s heart is always in a place to zero in on Jesus and that he wants to be in the presence of the Lord above all else.

Deployment - Month One

Four weeks ago, it all started with good-bye. Our day started out like any other family day; PJs, breakfast, a movie and lots of snuggles on the couch. We then began to get ready for the day and it is almost as if everything slowed down as we came nearer to our drive to the airport. Chris and I shared a few sobering looks as he played with the boys knowing the significance of each little moment. As Chris was putting his boots on, Brody climbed up in his lap and just sat. This will be etched in my mind for quite some time:

When all of Chris’ things and the boys were loaded into the car, I went back in the house and found Chris walking from room to room taking it all in one last time. As he paused at Caleb’s doorway, we both realized how much would change in the time he was away. A year is a long time, especially with little ones growing and changing so fast. Caleb will no longer be in his crib when Chris gets back, he will be potty trained and without his paci. Reality sunk in a little deeper in that moment. After one long hug in the doorway we were heading to the airport.

Thankfully, the airport was pretty quiet that day and we had a small corner all to ourselves. Our little family huddled together and Chris prayed over us all. I kept thinking how surreal the moment was and how much it felt like we were in a movie, not real life. I thought of what we must look like to those around us and how I never would have imagined myself in this role of army wife saying good-bye to my soldier as he heads off to war. We talked and prayed for a few minutes and walked Chris to where he had to leave. We embraced again, tears running down my face as I watched him walk into the terminal.

I made it out of the airport and actually made a quick stop at the store holding myself together. But, when I got home, the heartache and tears came on and off all that day.

The next few weeks went by pretty uneventfully. It was kind of a strange limbo with Chris in New Jersey because we could still talk almost every night. With all of the training he had to do before deployment, it felt somewhat normal, as if Chris would be home in a week or so.

The boys have been adjusting fairly well. Caleb often asks where daddy is in the mornings and giggles like crazy when we listen to the recordable story book that Chris left for the boys. Brody struggles more at night…his stuffed animal posse is growing as he needs more comfort and now he sleeps with one of Chris’ shirts as well. Each night Brody and I read this amazing story book about a soldier being deployed and how he figured out how to play catch with his son each night while he is away. Instead of throwing a baseball, they blow the stars to each other every night since day and night are reversed in their locations. So, each and every night, Brody and I step outside and he blows as hard as he can up into the sky to be sure that all the stars and the moon reach daddy wherever he is. It is a tangible way for Brody to play and interact with Chris and Brody takes his star blowing responsibility seriously!

This past week has altered the initial stage of this all feeling somewhat normal – reality is setting in that Chris is not just at training due home any day. It is sobering.  And yet there is still no way to fully grasp what life missing Chris looks like for 12 more months. I have been on the verge of tears more in the last 4 or 5 days than in the first three weeks combined, I think. I am missing my partner, my friend, my co-parent, my man like crazy.

I try to stay positive and remember that we are checking days off until he comes home again, but it is hard. Some days I can truly grasp that we really are counting down and other days I have to choose over and over again to think positively and find the silver lining.

It is strange to not know how my husband spends his days, to not know if he is having a great day or a terrible one. I don’t know at any given time if he is feeling excitement towards what lies ahead for him or if he is feeling fear or apprehension.  What we face in the year ahead is so huge that most of our conversations focus on the little things like what we each did that day, what funny things the boys have said or what our plans are for the coming weekend because the other “stuff” is just too big for a 5 minute cross-country phone call.

I cannot even begin to imagine all that Chris is feeling, learning and experiencing on his end of this deal. I feel like the lucky one that I get to see our boys every day and have the comforts of home and family. Oh friends, pray for my husband. Pray that he is encouraged, that he finds hope each day, that he finds a sweet closeness with the Lord that would show through in everything he does. Pray for purpose to be clearly imprinted on his heart over the next year. Pray protection for his heart as he is far away from us, pray for relationships with those he serves alongside, pray for success in the work that he is doing.

Beyond prayer, let Chris know that he is not forgotten…send him notes on facebook, email him, send him cards and care packages. Encourage him with scripture and prayer, send him things to make him laugh, tell him everyday things that seem normal to us but are a world away for a soldier.

One month down, definitely more than a few to go. There are ups and downs, great days and not-so-great days, but our God is constant and His love is always present.