Jesus IS

We sang Revelation Song written by Jennie Lee Riddle in our church yesterday and I have been marinating on part of it ever since. Here is a link with Kari Jobe singing it and the lyrics if you are not familiar with the song:

 

There are many things I love about this song and so many vivid pictures painted throughout it, but yesterday, these particular lines stood out to me:

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come (emphasis mine)

In my own life I find it far easier to live in the reality that Jesus was and that Jesus is to come, but it is much more difficult to live day by day and moment by moment that Jesus IS. We can study the Bible and learn about the life of Jesus and His followers and we can even apply that to our lives today (and hopefully we do!). We can look forward to the day that Jesus comes again and all our tears are washed away and we are living forever in His glorious presence. But, living each and every day entirely in the reality that Jesus is just as active and present today as he was in the days of the Bible? That His presence, guidance, peace and love are a reality we can access in every single moment? That is a lot harder; at least for me.

I get so caught up in all of the distractions of life; the “to do” list, parenting, marriage, budgeting, and the list goes on. How often do I miss that Jesus IS right now in my life?

In the first few months of being a stay-at-home mom I have had moments of feeling overwhelmed by everything that “needed” my attention. I wanted to parent well, but if that’s all I did, the house was a mess. I wanted to have a spotless home with a culinary masterpiece on the table each night, but then the boys were getting ignored. I had trouble finding that ever elusive balance in it all. I realized a few weeks ago that my priorities (pretty much all of them) were out of whack. I made a decision to cut out all TV during the day (which means cutting it out completely for the boys) and being intentional with the Lord with Brody and Caleb. Early in each day, we now have Bible time. We are studying one character from the Bible each week, we are praying together and we are memorizing scripture together. I want our boys to learn, by practice and example that if God truly is the most important thing in our life, then we have to begin with Him. I want anything else to feel foreign and lacking. This practice has changed our days – right from the beginning we are acknowledging God to be the center of our day and we put Him first even when their flesh just wants to play and my flesh just wants to do.

But, Bible/prayer time is just a start. If I believe that Jesus IS, that He is present in every moment, how does that change my posture throughout the day? I believe that knowing in the core of who I am that Jesus is powerfully active will affect everything I do. I will become utterly and absolutely dependent on Him whether my day is good or bad. Our actions flow from our beliefs…if we believe with all certainty that Jesus is present and active, it will affect our actions. When I am playing with the boys, my heart will seek the Lord on how best to show them love, I will be open to Him leading me to teach them through play in any moment. When I have to put them in time out, instead of spending those few minutes feeling frustrated, I will pray for my heart and for theirs. I will pray that my discipline will be training them in Godliness and that their heart will feel it as correction and not as anger or frustration. It means that as we head into the grocery store, I will pray that God will guide our purchase to be faithful to our budget and acknowledge that it is only by His provision that we are able to put food on our table.

If I believe that He IS, it will mean more of Him and less of me. It means I will recognize the power of prayer and that I will not feel alone. I have access to wisdom, peace, guidance and His overwhelming presence in every single minute. I cringe to think of all the frustration and wasted opportunities because I didn’t live my life in a way that cried out in dependence, even for a short season. If my dependence is in God alone, I can do nothing on my own. I often fall into the trap of thinking I can do some of it myself and be just fine. But, my heart cries out for more; my whole being cries out for complete dependence. Another phrase that has resonated in my heart these past few weeks is “I need more of Jesus.” The more I recognize that I need Jesus, really, really need Him, the more my heart lives in the beauty of dependence and the more I long for Him. Dependence creates a cycle for our heart to long for more and more of the Lord.

I pray that I don’t fall into complacent thinking that Jesus was only present or even just more present for those people in the Bible than He is for me. I can reach out and touch His cloak for healing, I can cry out in faith to Him, I can live my life in expectation of miracles, I can rest in the presence of His peace and I can dance with joy before Him today and every day.

Oh, happy day that Jesus is as present and active in my life today as He was in the disciple’s lives so long ago! Joy and freedom come from knowing and living in dependence on the King of Kings and Lord of Lords who also intimately knows my name. Hallelujah!

Back at the Blog!

Well, needless to say this blog has been neglected for a while and a lot has happened since my last post. Now that life has settled down a little bit, it’s time to catch up, refresh the blog and start writing a bit more. After this re-cap, I hope to keep a bit more up-to-date on goings on with the Gobles and learnings from life. The blog look is changing too, so have patience as I get it updated!

Without further ado, here is the re-cap:

Chris Came Home from Afghanistan!
Yes, this is as amazing as it sounds. Four months earlier than expected, we had an amazing reunion. It was everything we could have hoped for…there was the rush of planning and getting to the airport with only about 9 hours’ notice that he would be home, Chris running off the plane and the boys running into his arms. To wake up that next morning and have Chris beside me and to see him and the boys snuggled up on the couch watching cartoons…really, I couldn’t have asked for anything more. We prepared for whatever re-integration would look like for us and we were so blessed that we fell right back into rhythm quickly and easily. It was just amazing to be a united family again!

We moved to Colorado
We had about three weeks after Chris arrived home to get things ready for our move to Colorado so that Chris could take a full-time position with the army. It was a whirlwind of reconnecting with friends, me finishing up work, re-acclimating to being together, finding a place to live and prepping for the movers to come. There were bumps along the way as I think there is with any move and I can confidently say that I don’t think we will ever use a moving company again, but we made it along with our things (mostly) and have a wonderful home that we are renting in Aurora.

We are Settled in (Mostly)
Despite a few things showing up damaged from our move and not having the hardware for our beds or the boys’ play structure, we are mostly settled in. The first week in our house was a blitz of cleaning, unpacking and organizing. We now have almost everything unpacked, have painted two rooms (with two more to go) and feel at home. Transition is hard, particularly for me and Brody, but the number of times Brody says that he misses our old house are getting farther and farther between and we feel more settled in every day. We are waiting for our claim to be processed with the moving company to fix our beds, the few damaged items and the boys’ play structure…hoping that is a smooth process that gets resolved quickly.

We are Getting Out
Each week, the boys and I are discovering new fun things to do in our area. We have a water play park just a few blocks away which is great with all the sunshine we get! We found a fun kids outing up in the mountains, a nearby lake with a kids swim area, have summitted the tallest mountain in CO, and just recently had a great experience at a wildlife museum. There is a lot to do and we are getting out and having fun!

We have hopefully found a church for our family just recently. It is close to our house, has a great kids ministry that the boys loved their first week, authentic worship and relevant, bold teaching. We are excited to learn more about the church as we attend more and get plugged in.

I am particularly excited about the boys starting AWANA this coming week. I attended AWANA for a few years growing up and it was a great experience and does a great job of getting the Word of God into kids. I can’t believe the boys are old enough to start programs like these, but I am so excited to partner with AWANA in growing the boys up into passionate followers of the Lord!

Life is Really Different (in a great way)
We knew that to reach some goals for our family (the ability for me to stay home with the boys, take some financial steps forward, etc) that things would have to change dramatically and they have! Chris is now working at a job that, while it is not necessarily his passion, he is good at. His job allows him to be home around 5pm most nights and be fully invested in our family because he is able to leave work at work. His job also allows me to stay home with the boys. This is a topic for a whole other post as to what that transition has been like, but I am so blessed to be with them every day and have this time with them!

So, all-in-all, life is drastically different than it was just a few months ago, but we are enjoying this new adventure for our family and love the time it is giving us together! Hopefully this is an adequate overview to set the stage for moving forward with this blog. I am excited to write and share more from the season that God has us in!

Coming Home!

For those of you keeping up with this blog who are not on facebook, it has been a crazy month of MANY changes for us. To make a long story (and an even LONGER process) short, Chris was offered a full-time position with the Army in Aurora, CO and has been released from Afghanistan early to take that position. HE’S COMING HOME!!!!

It has been a long and often frustrating process waiting for paperwork, processes and approvals, but we are almost at our homecoming and it will be 4 months earlier than we had anticipated! Chris arrived in the U.S. a few days ago and is working his way through his post-deployment processes. We expect him to be home to us within a week and are filled to the brim with anticipation!

So, all at once, we are preparing for our reunion, readjustment, move to a new state, wrapping up my employment and Chris starting new employment in Colorado. We are looking forward to this new season for our family; I will be able to stay home with the boys, we will have more sunshine and snow (this is Brody’s favorite part!), we can move forward with our desire for adoption and connecting with friends in that area.

To say that we have felt every emotion on the spectrum in the past month or so would be an understatement. There is relief, joy, stress, anticipation, disappointment (mainly when the process took longer and we didn’t have answers), nervousness, excitement and so many more. The boys and I are preparing for our Homecoming moment when we finally get to see Chris after saying good-bye to him seven months ago. I am also acutely aware of the reality that Chris has been living in for these past months (and yet I have no idea all that he has witnessed and experienced) and the adjustments that the boys and I have had to make in his absence. I realize that reintegrating will be a process, not a moment. It will require patience, trust, flexibility, humility and selflessness.

It takes active engagement not to let Satan have a foothold in these days awaiting reunion. Worry seems to be his tool of choice; I can worry about the state of the house, the yard, the boys, how I look and all the change. It is a battle for peace, strength, confidence and full joy. I am determined to have those things because the Lord is our Strongtower and holds each of those attributes out for me willingly as I lean into Him. I anticipate us all “crashing” a bit once Chris is home as our emotions catch up with our circumstances and as the expectancy turns into reality.

PRAISE THE LORD, CHRIS IS HOME SAFE, SOUND AND EARLY!! Thank you for your prayer support during this time; it has been an amazing support to us. Join us in rejoicing and praising God for this turn of events! Continue praying for our re-integration and for all the men and women still fighting for you and me over there. Consider sending care packages that you might have sent Chris’ way to his unit or others still serving in Afghanistan.

It is the end of one Goble Adventure and the start of a new one. Praise the Lord, oh my soul…and may all that is within me bless His Holy Name!

Deployment Month 5 - Learnings

We are one month away from the half-way point in this deployment and I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of my learnings thus far.

Deployment is Hard :: It might seem like a no-brainer, but deployment is hard in many ways. It drains you emotionally and physically. There are so many things wrapped up in each day that by the end I am typically just falling into bed. Deployment is lonely; even though the boys and I have gotten into our own rhythm and routine, I still miss Chris every single day. It is a vacancy that has settled in the depths of my bones and is always there underlying the moments and days.

There is No Script :: I have said this before, but I am a planner. I love lists, plans, rules, schedules and routine. The often quoted phrase “If you want God to laugh, tell Him your plans” is ringing in my head right now as I learn a whole new level of flexibility and releasing expectations. You might call this newfound flexibility ‘survival mode’ as there are some days that I just try to get through the day with the house, the kids and myself intact. I am learning that things can seem so important in the moment, but when it comes down to it, really aren't what matters. I started out with some goals for me and the kids while Chris was away – fun activities out of the norm on a regular basis, Caleb’s potty training and paci weaning, and on and on.  Five months into our new routine, I have begun to put greater focus on the things that give us life and light in our days. So, now the focus has been more on the fun activities than the timeframe and rules of cutting out Caleb’s paci. I am learning to live in the moment and take things as they come instead of holding strong and fast to a plan that makes me feel as though I am in control. I am learning to be God’s pencil each day in writing the script instead of trying to be the hand directing the story.

Being Fully Present is a Challenge :: There is so much floating around in the back of my mind or emotionally stirring just under the surface that it is difficult to be fully present at any given time. The underlying distractions that everyone experiences in life are more deafening in deployment. I am almost constantly calculating the time difference between here and Afghanistan, wondering what Chris is up to, what he is experiencing, if he is okay. I am also constantly on high alert with the boys, making note of their emotional temperature and trying to fill in some of the gaps left by having their daddy far away for so long. I feel guilty for not writing Chris more, for not calling friends, for being exhausted at the end of each day. All of this is a constant part of the background noise that makes it hard to be fully present in any given moment. Even at home with the boys, it is hard not to be tied to my computer hoping to connect or communicate with Chris for a few brief minutes or risk missing him and not having contact for a few more days.

Time Differences Stink :: Afghanistan is 11.5 hours ahead of our time zone, so our days and nights are reversed. I am heading to bed when Chris is waking up and vice versa. This means that there are few precious hours of overlap in any given day to even possibly connect and most of those few hours are when the boys are sleeping. So, time to communicate with Chris is limited for me and almost non-existent for the boys. One thing I hear most often from people is how thankful I must be or should be that we live in an era with skype and email and that we aren’t going through this in WWI times. While I can acknowledge the truth in that statement, it is the only thing people have said to me in this time that really frustrates me. Skype, email and chat are available, but inconsistent; throw in the time difference and it limits those things even more. Moreover, Skype can’t give me a hug when I need one, a shoulder to cry on when I’m sad. Email can’t tuck the boys in at night or wrestle with them on the floor. Those conveniences only go so far.

Worry is a Way of Life :: At this point in the war, I feel like most people tune out the news related to anything going on in Afghanistan or Iraq. The war has been going on for so long and has been played from so many angles in the media and political realm that a lot of people have become immune to it. In contrast, I could be all the way across a busy store and hear or see a story about Afghanistan on a TV and become glued. My ears and subsequently, my heart are always on high alert for news. Although Chris is in an “office job” with the army, it doesn’t mean there is no risk. In his five months there, he has spent many hours in a rocket attack bunker and has stood guard as fallen soldiers are loaded onto airplanes to make their way home. The war is still real and the enemy still exists. As so many military spouses experience, there is always a part of us that fears unknown cars stopping by our driveway, worried we will see someone in military uniform get out to bring the worst possible news. There is fear of what our loved ones are experiencing and all that they will need to process when they get home, how they will re-acclimate. Although worry is not typically the most prominent of my emotions on any given day, it is a constant undercurrent that I have learned to live with these past five months.

Deployment is Do-able :: While all of these challenges are real, deployment isn’t all bad and it is completely do-able with God’s help! The Lord is faithful to supply what we need and He is faithful to continue working in each of us in incredible ways through this time. I am learning which things are truly important and which things I need to let go of. I am trying to learn greater amounts of patience and asking for help. These are all important life lessons to be learned and deployment has given me the opportunity for them to be right in my face; impossible not to grow. Deployment is do-able; not in a 6-month or 1-year chunk, but day by day and sometimes minute by minute. We tick the days off one-by-one and eventually we will arrive at Homecoming Day (I can’t wait!!!!!!).

Pride Soars :: I have always been proud of my husband, but watching him serve and sacrifice and live out his belief in the Lord and in our country through deployment is absolutely amazing. I see every single day what he sacrifices to be there; our boys’ smiles and laughter, chasing them around, a cozy bed each night, all of the comforts of home. I am so incredibly proud of the man that Chris is and the man that deployment is shaping him to be. I am also proud to be counted among the amazing men and women that are military spouses. I have connected with a few groups and I can tell you these people are amazing! I have witnessed them be strong, proud, deeply compassionate, bold, lovers of their spouses and lovers of the Lord. It is a community knit together by shared experience of deployment and military life and it is truly beautiful.

As we prepared for this year, we knew that it would be hard, but we were also confident that in difficult times, God can grow and change us dramatically. We committed to allowing Him to work in each of us. I can now say that it would be hard to not change in this time. Through the highs and lows, one thing remains ever constant: The Lord is our strength and our portion; in Him we will not be shaken!

Deployment Month 4+

This update is coming over two weeks late for the 4-month mark. Maybe that says everything that needs to be said about this month! It was a very full month and a half for us; full of good things and full of challenges. Here’s a brief re-cap:

·         The boys were sick for a week and a half straight – First, Brody with a stomach bug, Caleb with an ear infection, and then both had upper respiratory infections, then another ear infection for Caleb. Oy!

·         My in-laws came up for a weekend visit which was wonderful! I felt bad because the weekend they arrived was when the boy’s sickness started. So, we stayed in and I was grateful for the extra hands in caring for the boys.

·         Caleb is now in his big-boy bed and the transition was a breeze – Woohoo!

·         The boys ran in the Fort Vancouver kid’s race and did amazing!! Brody was super competitive and Caleb did awesome for it being his first race. They each got a medal and everything; a great morning!

·         The boys had a fun painting time in their bath one night using shaving cream and food coloring. The artwork was amazing, but not nearly as good as the laughter and smiles!

·         It feels like forever ago, but we did actually have a few sunshiny days here where we got out and played outside. One day, we even headed down to the beach right by our house and played and played and played. It was another great morning with my boys!

·         A little over a week ago, we had to put our 14-year old cat down. It was so hard even though it was the right decision. Sweet Brody reminded us that we have loved ones in heaven already that will take good care of Charlie. =)

·         I found out that one of the boy’s teachers will be moving on to a new ministry at the end of May and while I am so happy for her, my heart is already grieving her absence in the boy’s lives. She has taught both of the boys, but more than that she has consistently prayed for them and taught them about Jesus and they absolutely adore her (as do Chris and I). I also found out that our family doctor is closing this month – finding the right doctor for our family has never been easy, so losing him as our doctor is a hard transition as well.

·         I adjusted my work hours to have one more day at home with the boys which they LOVE and I LOVE! I am looking forward to starting up some fun activities with them in this newly expanded home time.

 

 

I know I didn’t get it all in there, but at least you get a glimpse of our month. Possibly because of all of that, I also found this month to be a real challenge emotionally for me and I feel more raw than I have up to this point. I am missing Chris like crazy these days and just longing to connect with him. The phone calls are infrequent and our chat time online is usually pretty limited as well. I am glad he is keeping busy, but I feel his absence acutely right now. I am sure this is probably quite normal for being mid-deployment. Of course, it is also probably because I am smack dab in the middle of a season of attitude training with Caleb. I am navigating issues with him that we didn’t have with Brody just because they are such different little people. There are some days it is tiring to remain consistent with Caleb. He tries my patience to the very raw edges, pushing me to my limit and then in the next moment does something so sweet or funny that I can’t stay upset for too long! I know from going through a season of discipline with Brody at about this same age, that the payoff of consistent parenting is absolutely worth it, but it is so much more difficult when you don’t have another parent to share the experience with or step in when I am frayed.

I am tired…tired of being alone, tired of parenting alone and just plain tired at the end of most days. BUT, I feel surrounded by the prayers of many people and the good days far outweigh the hard ones. So, thank you for your continued support of our family. Thank you for reminding Chris that he is not forgotten through care packages, mail and messages! Thank you for praying for us! We are incredibly blessed and I know that to the depth of my being even in the most trying of times.

I feel like this song by Kari Jobe (love her!) absolutely represents my heart right now…

If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear Your voice
I hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see

… Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
Lord I'm forever Yours

Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

Shepherding

It is almost 10pm and I have just put our 4-year old Brody back to bed for the third time after calming him down from frantic crying because he misses his daddy. Bedtime has now stretched on for two and a half hours. I am tired, frustrated, heartbroken and…did I mention tired?

Challenging bedtimes isn’t necessarily anything new for us with Brody. He has never been the best sleeper, but the past few months have brought it to a whole new level. His emotions are upsetting his sleep and his lack of sleep is affecting his emotions in a cycle. There is something completely unnatural about a 4-year old having a broken heart; it is clearly not how things are meant to be. Yet, that is what Brody is experiencing.

I have implemented so many things to make this time of separation easier on the boys. We have always been a routine family, knowing how important stability is for our children, even more so in seasons of disruption, so routine continues to be key. We have pictures of Chris up around the house; family pictures, pictures of him with each of the boys, army pictures, etc. The boys each received a daddy doll for Christmas (these are wonderful little pillows with Chris’ full-length picture on it in a perfectly hug-able shape. www.daddydolls.com), Brody sleeps with one of Chris’ shirts and we have a few videos of Chris that the boys can watch. We have deployment workbooks and storybooks, even an Elmo video where Elmo’s dad gets deployed.

Even with all of these wonderful resources, it can’t take away the pain of daddy being gone and I have had to accept that I can’t make that all better. I have a huge responsibility to help support our boys and make things as easy as possible, but I can’t eliminate all of the hurts of the heart.

I have to see this as an opportunity to show Brody and Caleb that God is with us at all times and that we can turn to Him and find Him reliable when we hurt. What a precious time to show them their Rock and Strong-tower in both the highs and lows!

The boys are handling deployment in completely different ways and it makes me feel as though I am trying to run two different races at entirely different paces at the same time (think marathon and sprint – you can’t do both at the same time). I try to keep Caleb connected to Chris through fun activities, talking about him and watching his videos. Caleb loves that; he loves seeing Daddy talk to him and seeing his face. At the same time, I am struggling to maintain emotional stability with Brody as he tries to process very adult feelings with such little life experience or development to be able to do that. Brody tells me multiple times every day how much he misses Chris, but doesn’t always want to see his video and often struggles with talking to Chris on the phone.

Add on full-time work, church, friends, exercise and most days I reach some level of exhaustion. That is when I think of these verses in Psalm 23:

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

I am reminded that the Lord cares for me, protects me, nourishes and refreshes my very soul. I have nothing to fear (not even the emotional health of our children or the safety of my husband) for He is with me. I take a deep breath and let these words wash over me. I also let them guide me in parenting the boys.

How am I shepherding them? Where/what are their quiet waters that I need to lead them to in this stressful time? What am I doing to refresh their soul and guide them along the right paths? I know that I am only able to lead them in those areas because of what God is instilling in me first. I love the balance highlighted in these verses about quietness and refreshing of the soul, yet also leading along the right paths. That is a delicate dance that I do every single day; when to comfort and soothe the boys and when to hold firm to constancy and boundaries. Both of those are crucial and they feed off of one another. Because I provide stability in boundaries, I can bend when comfort is needed. Because I comfort, they will know my love in boundaries. I must be a studier of our children to know them deeply and to know what they need. I must, most importantly, be intimately connected to the Lord so that He can lead me in guiding our kids.

I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me at my parenting worst and calms me in my utmost frustrations. I am beyond grateful that in those moments when I feel so sad because I am doing all of this on my own, He reminds me that I am far from alone. I listen and allow Him to lead me to a place of rest and down the path that He desires for me. Those things restore my soul so that I can parent with patience once again.



*I began writing this post about a week ago and in the past few days, Brody has been sleeping so much better! I am rejoicing at the peace that has come to Brody at bedtime lately and am thankful for the prayers that have supported him in that way!

His Banner Over Me is Love

The outside of my wedding band is imprinted with these words: “His banner over me is love.” It comes from the book of Song of Solomon in the bible that is filled with the language of love. I have always cherished having this on my ring as a constant visual reminder of the love that God has for me and the way that is reflected in the love that Chris has for me. I was looking at my ring this weekend and thinking about Valentine’s Day, and the meaning of that phrase deepened.

Chris and I started officially dating on Valentine’s Day; not intentionally, mind you, but that’s just how it happened. I find it funny now because I do not tend to be the overly sappy, sentimental type, but from now until forever I have an anniversary to celebrate on Valentine’s Day, the 'sappiest' of all holidays. From a practical perspective, we had a whirlwind romance…dated for four months and were married four months after that. But, when I think about it now and look at the journey we each took, it was a romance that was in the works long before we even met. Chris and I both had a lot of bumps along the way getting to one another, yet in hindsight all of it leads to US.

If you know Chris, you know he lives life passionately. He is gregarious and full of life about anything and everything. You can see and hear his passion for history, politics, theology, sports, food, etc. There are few things in Chris’ life that are not lived out with full abandon. Love is like that for him too. Chris loves with all he has whether that is his friends, his boys or me. Chris loves passionately. Because of some of those aforementioned bumps in the road, that all-out love hasn’t always been easy for me to accept in its entirety. I have at times been wary, cautious or have tried to downplay the intensity of his love just in case I ever lost it.

Then, I look down at my ring and see “His banner over me is love.” Those are more than just nice words; they are truth in our marriage. Chris has eagerly strived to cover me with a banner of love. He is my signpost in a large banquet hall, directing me straight to him so that he can nourish and strengthen me. He is my confidence and stronghold in the peaks and valleys of life.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder which is probably true, but I have seen enough of the opposite to not take that for granted. In the absence of Chris, I feel strengthened because he has covered me with a banner of love all the years prior to this time apart. What an amazing gift this Valentine’s Day to know that I am loved and cherished beyond what I can even fully grasp. It’s not that I have forgotten his little annoyances or the ways that we can rub one another the wrong way; it is that even with those things, love overrides them in abundance.

Chris has loved me so well and so consistently over the years, I am able to have confidence through his deployment. Not just that he will still love me when he returns, but the overall confidence and contentment that comes just from knowing I am fully loved. His banner over me, his protection, passion, care, playfulness, patience, is LOVE. <Deep contented sigh>

I am so blessed, so overwhelmed at the gift of his love, and so joyful knowing with full confidence (that has been a long time coming) that I have his heart.

So…Bring on the sappy! Happy Dating Anniversary, my love! Happy Valentine’s Day! I love you with all my heart; thank you for loving me so well and covering me with a banner of love!

Deployment Month Three

I guess three months feels about right…at times it feels like Chris has been away much longer, but for the most part three months is how it feels. And, let me tell you what three months of deployment feels like…it really stinks. This month felt packed full of tough things in all different areas.

Most poignantly, Chris’ sweet, spunky grandmother went to be with her Jesus a few weeks ago. There was a hospital stay before she left this life for her Home and with Chris a world away, it was difficult relaying information and knowing that he was on pins and needles awaiting news. In the midst of such a trying time, God’s grace was on display – Chris was able to call and talk with her a few times during her time in the hospital and I was (amazingly) able to get in touch with him immediately so that he could call his family. We all grieve the loss of her in our own lives, but rejoice that she is without pain in heaven, walking on streets of gold. As I write this, I am overcome knowing that she has had the chance to meet our first sweet baby that we never even had the chance to meet and I know that meeting was precious for them both.

If that wasn’t difficult enough, this month held other challenges too. Work was incredibly busy and it was hard for me to leave it all at the office at times. I had to make a few changes in my daily routine in order to be fully present with the boys when we were home and those changes made a huge difference in our time together in the evenings. Evenings have been my best chance to possibly catch Chris online so that we could chat for even just a few moments. I found that I was so focused on catching him, that I was missing out on some great play and connection time with Brody and Caleb. I realized that I had to let that go and be absolutely present with the boys even if that meant I would miss Chris for a day or two. So, on most days now I don’t take my computer out until the boys have gone to bed and we have had so much fun!

 

This month also saw a huge decline in the amount of communication from Chris. Before I was getting semi-frequent phone calls; they were short, but at least I was hearing his voice from time to time. Now, we maybe get to chat for a few moments every couple days on facebook, but that is about it. I miss him so much. Through a USO program called United Through Reading, Chris was able to send the boys a book and a video of himself reading that book to them. It was AWESOME! The boys are still over the moon about seeing daddy read to them. Me, however? I cry every time we watch it. I miss his face, I miss his voice.

And, Brody is missing his daddy. Wow. Nighttime is so very hard these days. For Brody, that is when all the emotion of missing Chris sets in. He has trouble getting to sleep and it is not uncommon for him to wake up in the middle of the night just crying that he misses daddy. It is heartbreaking and also, if I am honest, in the day-to-day parenting of it, a little frustrating. He gets out of bed multiple times a night and I can never be sure what might send him from happy into tears at night. I try to balance lots of snuggles with good firm boundaries, but some nights are just hard.

So, it’s been a hard month; much more difficult than the previous two it seems. But, in the midst of all that, I am still doing lots of things to be sure we are still having fun and enjoying life. I refuse to sit around and sulk and pout all day. So, the boys and I stay busy, we play and have fun and sometimes when we all need it, we have a movie and pj day.

The verse that has stuck out to me most this month is this:

Joshua 3:5 – “…Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.”

I have unwavering trust that the Lord will do (and is doing) amazing things through this time. My job in the whole grand scheme? Consecrate myself unto Him. That’s it. Lock eyes with the Lord and let Him handle the rest. As long as my eyes are fixed on the Author and Perfector of my faith, I will be able to walk on stormy waters and not sink.

So, yes, deployment totally stinks. I miss my love more than I can bear, I hate seeing my boys miss their daddy and I am tired. BUT…I will choose to consecrate myself for I KNOW that the Lord will do amazing things! He is my Strong-tower and the Joy of my Salvation. In Him alone will I rejoice!

Prayer Requests:

-          Pray for Brody; particularly for his nights. Pray that he would so clearly sense his Abba Daddy’s arms around him as he snuggles in for sleep.

-          Pray for Chris – sleep is elusive over there also as nighttime tends to be filled with activity (the war kind, not the fun kind). Pray for his safety; pray protection over his heart as he deals with the realities of war. In the midst of all else that he is doing over there, he is starting online school for his Masters as well (two actually!), so pray for that.

-          Pray for me that I would keep priorities in line, that I would have good self-care to be the best mom I can be.

-          Pray for Caleb – he’s our little trooper, for sure. I am navigating lots of change with him (taking away his pacifier, moving him into his big-boy bed and potty training), so I want to be cautious and aware of any additional toll these might take on him.

We See the Giant and are Unafraid

One of the disheartening things in preparing for Chris’ deployment was that we got a lot of comments wondering how we were ever going to make it through or people sharing their worst stories about a friend they once knew whose life fell apart after deployment. It’s amazing to consider that someone might think the best things to tell us are the latest divorce rates in the military while looking at us with woeful eyes. This isn’t to say that these comments came from friends or family; mostly they came from unaware strangers who heard what we were facing.

Somewhere in the midst of these conversations I allowed myself to fall into a pattern of trying to convince people that we would make it through. I used all the cliché phrases like “we know it will be hard, but we’ll be okay” and “It’ll be challenging, but God is good” and I still say those things now from time to time. As true as those statements are, I felt like I needed to convince people around me that our marriage could survive deployment, taking on a passive nature to the conversation that in a roundabout way gave credence to their thoughts or those ever-popular statistics. Or maybe I just allowed myself to think that their comments needed as woeful an answer as the comment itself had been initially said to us. But, that was not where my heart was at. My heart was sure.

Then, I started thinking about David and the posture with which he faced Goliath. If you haven’t read the story of David and Goliath in the Bible, you should. It’s a good one! You can find it in 1 Samuel 17 and I have been thinking about that story quite a bit lately. David had no business even being at the battlefield, let alone on it, yet he took on this ogre of a man and he did it with unabashed confidence. His words are a battle cry, not an apology or an attempt to convince anyone of anything. It was victory being proclaimed before the battle had even begun because he believed in the victory whole-heartedly.

Now, that resonates with me as I think about our marriage over the next year! I have told a few people in the past couple of months that I am passionately ticked off fighting to prove that the army and deployment do not have to be a horrific season in a marriage. I want to be able to stand with others in the future and tell them that it is hard, but it is also good. I want to have a story to share that inspires hope and confidence because of what God has done with us. Sure, Chris and I see the giant; we are not naïve about what we’re up against…this giant is looking us square in the eyes, taunting us with little communication, loneliness, frustration, lack of understanding, impatience, busyness. We don’t deny the giant is there and we don’t pretend that it isn’t HUGE. What we do is proclaim victory over it in the name of the Lord!

David looked Goliath in the eyes and said “You come to me with a sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty…” (1 Sam 17:45)

I want to say to our giant called Deployment “You come at us from all sides with things small and large, but we come with the Lord God as our foundation, our Mighty Rock, our Fortress, our Strength, our Deliverer. We will NOT be taken down, but the Lord will be GLORIFIED!”

I will no longer try to convince people that our marriage will be okay, I will proclaim that it will be strengthened and sure. Victory is imminent because the Lord is on our side and we will not be shaken (psalm 62:6). Bumps along the way? Sure. Hard times ahead? Absolutely. Frustrating moments? Yup, still there.

 Defeat? A resounding NO WAY!

In the short time that Chris has been away, we already see God at work in each of us individually and even in our marriage. We are looking for the ways we see Him working because we EXPECT Him to. We are excited to see what He does and that gives us eyes passionate for our own growth and how that will play out in our relationship with one another.

There will be hilltops and valleys over the next 10 months, but in the heights as well as the depths, we will praise Him because He has set our foot on a rock and given us a firm place to stand (Psalm 40:2)! Chris and I move forward one step at a time with confidence and anticipation, watching to see how the Lord moves in our lives and in our marriage. Praise be to the Lord that we can stand in great victory because of His awesome name!

Deployment - Month Two

Whew, two months down! I will be honest, this month was tougher than the first for a few reasons; between Chris and I we have 6 family birthdays and an anniversary all within about a week of each other in December. That is a lot of events to be minus one. Then, you throw in Christmas and wowza…it only makes sense that it was tough.

I missed Chris in all the ways you would expect, in wrapping Brody’s birthday gift, helping him celebrate turning 4, cutting down our family Christmas tree, getting all of the decorations up, Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and all of the other little memories in between.

I definitely miss having an extra set of hands around the house and a co-parent by my side, but mostly I miss him in the every day. I miss sharing life with him because that is something he and I do really well. I wrote Chris an email today just to catch up and it was four pages long. How do you summarize all these little moments over the course of a week and many thousands of miles that you normally share in the passing of each day? My day-to-day looks so dramatically different from Chris’ that I wouldn’t even know the questions to ask him about his time there. So, I fill him in on life here, knowing that is what he needs to hear most anyway.

I have been able to talk to Chris a few times over the past few weeks, but they are short phone calls most of them lasting only a few minutes. It is so good to hear his voice, but it always leaves me wanting more talk time with him. I think it will be a strange adjustment when he comes home to have conversation around me all the time again. I wonder if I will be so used to the quiet once the boys are in bed that I will have to adjust to the noise of talking or if it will be so welcomed that I will just soak it all in.

This wasn’t a month of only bummers, however, and the boys and I had lots of fun along the way. I am finding ways to create memories for us here that are fun and distracting at the same time. Here’s a few of the highlights…

Getting our Christmas tree with Grandma!



Hot Cocoa after tree hunting with friends!




Polar Express train ride for Brody's birthday




Birthday privilege - licking frosting off the candles!



Christmas Eve at Grandma's house



Mickey's House (AKA: Disneyland) with SoCal family!




Beach Time!




Christmas at Grammy & Grandpa's in Cali!



So, now here we are in a new year…the same year that Chris will come home! That is a comforting thought and a positive note to end this second month of deployment on. I can say “My hubby comes home THIS year!” It’s all about finding those little silver linings. And, I continue to be grateful that I belong to a God that is solid and steady and cares for us with an overwhelming love!

Prayer requests for us this month:

• Pray for our hearts to stay strongly connected in this time apart. As hard as missing Chris is, I would never want to stop missing him because it reveals the depth of our connection to one another.
• Pray for Brody; he is processing and processing and processing all of this in his little world. I have just recently seen deployment come out in his imaginary play that a lot of his toys now have daddies that are at army work too. I appreciate this because it allows me to speak into those situations encouraging his ‘friends’ how to connect with their daddies and reassuring him that all these daddies will come home. He LOVES his daddy pillow (a pillow with daddy's picture on it to snuggle!) and I think it will be a fixture for him over the next year. Pray for Brody’s soft heart, that it would stay soft and yet not break. Pray that God will fill in the gaps for him as his heavenly Father.
• Pray for Caleb. He’s a trooper, but I can still see the ways he is missing his daddy. Pray for him to remain connected to Chris even though far away.
• Pray for Chris – pray for energy and clarity of purpose. Pray for his success and for solid relationships with his team. Pray that he would lean on God for every single thing he needs. Pray protection over his heart as a husband, a son, a friend, a daddy. Pray against discouragement and discontent.
• Pray for me – my prayer begins the same as for Chris, pray for energy and clarity of purpose. Pray for wisdom as I lead our boys through this season. Pray peace and protection over our home and peace over my heart.

Thank you all for the ways you are supporting our family; through prayer which is the most powerful weapon we have in this season, through care packages to Chris, meals and girl nights and babysitting for me. We love you all!