Shepherding

It is almost 10pm and I have just put our 4-year old Brody back to bed for the third time after calming him down from frantic crying because he misses his daddy. Bedtime has now stretched on for two and a half hours. I am tired, frustrated, heartbroken and…did I mention tired?

Challenging bedtimes isn’t necessarily anything new for us with Brody. He has never been the best sleeper, but the past few months have brought it to a whole new level. His emotions are upsetting his sleep and his lack of sleep is affecting his emotions in a cycle. There is something completely unnatural about a 4-year old having a broken heart; it is clearly not how things are meant to be. Yet, that is what Brody is experiencing.

I have implemented so many things to make this time of separation easier on the boys. We have always been a routine family, knowing how important stability is for our children, even more so in seasons of disruption, so routine continues to be key. We have pictures of Chris up around the house; family pictures, pictures of him with each of the boys, army pictures, etc. The boys each received a daddy doll for Christmas (these are wonderful little pillows with Chris’ full-length picture on it in a perfectly hug-able shape. www.daddydolls.com), Brody sleeps with one of Chris’ shirts and we have a few videos of Chris that the boys can watch. We have deployment workbooks and storybooks, even an Elmo video where Elmo’s dad gets deployed.

Even with all of these wonderful resources, it can’t take away the pain of daddy being gone and I have had to accept that I can’t make that all better. I have a huge responsibility to help support our boys and make things as easy as possible, but I can’t eliminate all of the hurts of the heart.

I have to see this as an opportunity to show Brody and Caleb that God is with us at all times and that we can turn to Him and find Him reliable when we hurt. What a precious time to show them their Rock and Strong-tower in both the highs and lows!

The boys are handling deployment in completely different ways and it makes me feel as though I am trying to run two different races at entirely different paces at the same time (think marathon and sprint – you can’t do both at the same time). I try to keep Caleb connected to Chris through fun activities, talking about him and watching his videos. Caleb loves that; he loves seeing Daddy talk to him and seeing his face. At the same time, I am struggling to maintain emotional stability with Brody as he tries to process very adult feelings with such little life experience or development to be able to do that. Brody tells me multiple times every day how much he misses Chris, but doesn’t always want to see his video and often struggles with talking to Chris on the phone.

Add on full-time work, church, friends, exercise and most days I reach some level of exhaustion. That is when I think of these verses in Psalm 23:

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

I am reminded that the Lord cares for me, protects me, nourishes and refreshes my very soul. I have nothing to fear (not even the emotional health of our children or the safety of my husband) for He is with me. I take a deep breath and let these words wash over me. I also let them guide me in parenting the boys.

How am I shepherding them? Where/what are their quiet waters that I need to lead them to in this stressful time? What am I doing to refresh their soul and guide them along the right paths? I know that I am only able to lead them in those areas because of what God is instilling in me first. I love the balance highlighted in these verses about quietness and refreshing of the soul, yet also leading along the right paths. That is a delicate dance that I do every single day; when to comfort and soothe the boys and when to hold firm to constancy and boundaries. Both of those are crucial and they feed off of one another. Because I provide stability in boundaries, I can bend when comfort is needed. Because I comfort, they will know my love in boundaries. I must be a studier of our children to know them deeply and to know what they need. I must, most importantly, be intimately connected to the Lord so that He can lead me in guiding our kids.

I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me at my parenting worst and calms me in my utmost frustrations. I am beyond grateful that in those moments when I feel so sad because I am doing all of this on my own, He reminds me that I am far from alone. I listen and allow Him to lead me to a place of rest and down the path that He desires for me. Those things restore my soul so that I can parent with patience once again.



*I began writing this post about a week ago and in the past few days, Brody has been sleeping so much better! I am rejoicing at the peace that has come to Brody at bedtime lately and am thankful for the prayers that have supported him in that way!

His Banner Over Me is Love

The outside of my wedding band is imprinted with these words: “His banner over me is love.” It comes from the book of Song of Solomon in the bible that is filled with the language of love. I have always cherished having this on my ring as a constant visual reminder of the love that God has for me and the way that is reflected in the love that Chris has for me. I was looking at my ring this weekend and thinking about Valentine’s Day, and the meaning of that phrase deepened.

Chris and I started officially dating on Valentine’s Day; not intentionally, mind you, but that’s just how it happened. I find it funny now because I do not tend to be the overly sappy, sentimental type, but from now until forever I have an anniversary to celebrate on Valentine’s Day, the 'sappiest' of all holidays. From a practical perspective, we had a whirlwind romance…dated for four months and were married four months after that. But, when I think about it now and look at the journey we each took, it was a romance that was in the works long before we even met. Chris and I both had a lot of bumps along the way getting to one another, yet in hindsight all of it leads to US.

If you know Chris, you know he lives life passionately. He is gregarious and full of life about anything and everything. You can see and hear his passion for history, politics, theology, sports, food, etc. There are few things in Chris’ life that are not lived out with full abandon. Love is like that for him too. Chris loves with all he has whether that is his friends, his boys or me. Chris loves passionately. Because of some of those aforementioned bumps in the road, that all-out love hasn’t always been easy for me to accept in its entirety. I have at times been wary, cautious or have tried to downplay the intensity of his love just in case I ever lost it.

Then, I look down at my ring and see “His banner over me is love.” Those are more than just nice words; they are truth in our marriage. Chris has eagerly strived to cover me with a banner of love. He is my signpost in a large banquet hall, directing me straight to him so that he can nourish and strengthen me. He is my confidence and stronghold in the peaks and valleys of life.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder which is probably true, but I have seen enough of the opposite to not take that for granted. In the absence of Chris, I feel strengthened because he has covered me with a banner of love all the years prior to this time apart. What an amazing gift this Valentine’s Day to know that I am loved and cherished beyond what I can even fully grasp. It’s not that I have forgotten his little annoyances or the ways that we can rub one another the wrong way; it is that even with those things, love overrides them in abundance.

Chris has loved me so well and so consistently over the years, I am able to have confidence through his deployment. Not just that he will still love me when he returns, but the overall confidence and contentment that comes just from knowing I am fully loved. His banner over me, his protection, passion, care, playfulness, patience, is LOVE. <Deep contented sigh>

I am so blessed, so overwhelmed at the gift of his love, and so joyful knowing with full confidence (that has been a long time coming) that I have his heart.

So…Bring on the sappy! Happy Dating Anniversary, my love! Happy Valentine’s Day! I love you with all my heart; thank you for loving me so well and covering me with a banner of love!

Deployment Month Three

I guess three months feels about right…at times it feels like Chris has been away much longer, but for the most part three months is how it feels. And, let me tell you what three months of deployment feels like…it really stinks. This month felt packed full of tough things in all different areas.

Most poignantly, Chris’ sweet, spunky grandmother went to be with her Jesus a few weeks ago. There was a hospital stay before she left this life for her Home and with Chris a world away, it was difficult relaying information and knowing that he was on pins and needles awaiting news. In the midst of such a trying time, God’s grace was on display – Chris was able to call and talk with her a few times during her time in the hospital and I was (amazingly) able to get in touch with him immediately so that he could call his family. We all grieve the loss of her in our own lives, but rejoice that she is without pain in heaven, walking on streets of gold. As I write this, I am overcome knowing that she has had the chance to meet our first sweet baby that we never even had the chance to meet and I know that meeting was precious for them both.

If that wasn’t difficult enough, this month held other challenges too. Work was incredibly busy and it was hard for me to leave it all at the office at times. I had to make a few changes in my daily routine in order to be fully present with the boys when we were home and those changes made a huge difference in our time together in the evenings. Evenings have been my best chance to possibly catch Chris online so that we could chat for even just a few moments. I found that I was so focused on catching him, that I was missing out on some great play and connection time with Brody and Caleb. I realized that I had to let that go and be absolutely present with the boys even if that meant I would miss Chris for a day or two. So, on most days now I don’t take my computer out until the boys have gone to bed and we have had so much fun!

 

This month also saw a huge decline in the amount of communication from Chris. Before I was getting semi-frequent phone calls; they were short, but at least I was hearing his voice from time to time. Now, we maybe get to chat for a few moments every couple days on facebook, but that is about it. I miss him so much. Through a USO program called United Through Reading, Chris was able to send the boys a book and a video of himself reading that book to them. It was AWESOME! The boys are still over the moon about seeing daddy read to them. Me, however? I cry every time we watch it. I miss his face, I miss his voice.

And, Brody is missing his daddy. Wow. Nighttime is so very hard these days. For Brody, that is when all the emotion of missing Chris sets in. He has trouble getting to sleep and it is not uncommon for him to wake up in the middle of the night just crying that he misses daddy. It is heartbreaking and also, if I am honest, in the day-to-day parenting of it, a little frustrating. He gets out of bed multiple times a night and I can never be sure what might send him from happy into tears at night. I try to balance lots of snuggles with good firm boundaries, but some nights are just hard.

So, it’s been a hard month; much more difficult than the previous two it seems. But, in the midst of all that, I am still doing lots of things to be sure we are still having fun and enjoying life. I refuse to sit around and sulk and pout all day. So, the boys and I stay busy, we play and have fun and sometimes when we all need it, we have a movie and pj day.

The verse that has stuck out to me most this month is this:

Joshua 3:5 – “…Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.”

I have unwavering trust that the Lord will do (and is doing) amazing things through this time. My job in the whole grand scheme? Consecrate myself unto Him. That’s it. Lock eyes with the Lord and let Him handle the rest. As long as my eyes are fixed on the Author and Perfector of my faith, I will be able to walk on stormy waters and not sink.

So, yes, deployment totally stinks. I miss my love more than I can bear, I hate seeing my boys miss their daddy and I am tired. BUT…I will choose to consecrate myself for I KNOW that the Lord will do amazing things! He is my Strong-tower and the Joy of my Salvation. In Him alone will I rejoice!

Prayer Requests:

-          Pray for Brody; particularly for his nights. Pray that he would so clearly sense his Abba Daddy’s arms around him as he snuggles in for sleep.

-          Pray for Chris – sleep is elusive over there also as nighttime tends to be filled with activity (the war kind, not the fun kind). Pray for his safety; pray protection over his heart as he deals with the realities of war. In the midst of all else that he is doing over there, he is starting online school for his Masters as well (two actually!), so pray for that.

-          Pray for me that I would keep priorities in line, that I would have good self-care to be the best mom I can be.

-          Pray for Caleb – he’s our little trooper, for sure. I am navigating lots of change with him (taking away his pacifier, moving him into his big-boy bed and potty training), so I want to be cautious and aware of any additional toll these might take on him.