Home

I forget sometimes. I forget that this place, this life is not my home. I so easily get wrapped up in the day-to-day and I get frustrated with the details of life and I get just plain tired. Conversely, I can put too much weight in the fun, easy things as if they are what I should strive for. I live my life day-to-day acting as though this life is so important, as if all the details are vital. I forget how skewed that is and how mistaken I am when I live that way. As a Christ-follower, this is not my home.

Different Bible translations use words like foreigner and alien when describing our position in this life. Those are strong words and I have been thinking of them lately in relation to Chris being in Afghanistan and how nothing must feel familiar to him. The sounds, the smells, the food, the scenery, the temperature, it is all unfamiliar. And I imagine he feels more than a little off-kilter, for Afghanistan is not his home.

Admittedly, I become too comfortable in this life, too comfortable living off-kilter. I allow my thinking and my ways to be lazy in the fight to stay upright in a sideways world. I sometimes believe the lie that this sideways world is desired.

The Bible gives us glimpses of our heavenly home and tells us in James 4 that our life here and now is only a vapor, a mist or fog. Not only does this word picture suggest the brevity of life, but the haziness of it as well. This life is short, out of focus and is not our home…and I often forget that truth.

I remember I am a foreigner when life is hard, when things are not as they should be; when my husband is gone for a year fighting in a war, when my kids miss their daddy, when I fear the year ahead. That is when I am reminded that this place is not our home and how that is reflected in things that are out of focus or not quite how we know they should be. I am reminded that my heart and mind must be focused on Heaven and the Lord in such a way that I am not surprised by the struggle in this life and that I grasp what is of true importance. Staying connected to the heartbeat of the Father is what will keep my view clear…He is my pair of glasses that clear the fog and bring my true home into focus.

If I desire God, His ways and the home that He is preparing for me, the things of this life here and now will come to a new level of clarity. That doesn’t mean the pains of this life won’t hurt, they surely will. But, it does mean that I will take the crud of this world, the heartache, the fear, the uncertainty and I will run to the Father with it for He alone knows how to redeem it because he knows what our home is really like. He sees it clearly and desires to give us little nibbles of a life we cannot even imagine. I want those nibbles to instill in me an insatiable appetite for the things of God and for my hunger for the things of this world to recede.

There is a song sung by Fernando Ortega called Don’t Let Me Come Home a Stranger and it gets me thinking every single time I hear it. When I arrive in heaven someday, I want it to be as if my heart is already there waiting for me and it is in every way like coming home (which it will be!). I want it to be familiar to me here and now in anticipation of that amazing moment. I don’t want to buy into the illusion that this life is what it is all about. I want Jesus to be what I am all about and my focus will remain clear if I keep that as my goal.

It’s been a rough week – busy at work, reality hitting home of Chris getting to Afghanistan, preparing for Christmas without him, adjusting to getting things done as a single parent and on and on. I’ve been stressed and I’ve been sad and I’ve had moments where I’m distant; everything seemed a bit foggy. But, it has been a near constant reminder that this is not my home. I have been reminded through the difficulties of the week to draw near to the Lord for not only will I find peace, but I will find clarity and focus and hope of my home to come.  

Lessons on Faith from Brody

Jesus tells us clearly in His Word to have faith like little children, for they are at the heart of the Kingdom of God. I see this evidenced in the lives of my boys and the lessons I learn just from watching their faith deepen my own.

Our sweet little Brody has a heart for the Lord that stops me in my tracks, humbles me and brings me to tears almost daily. It seems selfish to keep these lessons only for myself, so I thought I would share some moments of faith from Brody lately…

Moment #1:
 As I walk the boys into their school each day, if we enter from the back we pass by the cafeteria. During the Christmas season, there is a large nativity set up there. It is one of those large plastic, light-up sets that you often see in front yards this time of year. Kinda cheesy up close, but my perspective on them has changed a bit this week. The boys and I walked in on Monday morning and Brody saw the cafeteria nativity for the first time. He looked up at me with pure wonder and whispered in awe “Mommy, can I go see baby Jesus?”  He then detoured from our normal route down the hallway and it was as if the entire world fell away and he was only interested in getting to his Jesus. He walked over, sat down in front of Jesus and just stared at Him. Brody’s face was filled with wonder, peace, and excitement; he looked like there was nowhere else he would rather be.  Caleb and I walked over and we talked a bit about the characters of the nativity and when it was time for them to head to class, Brody leaned over and gave this plastic baby Jesus a hug and kiss and whispered “I love you, baby Jesus”.

That picture has stayed with me this whole week and I feel there is much to be considered and learned:

·         Be interruptible for Jesus. The nativity was out of our normal morning routine and it was out of the path to take us where we were going. But, Brody saw Jesus and had a magnetic pull to be near Him. I often need to learn to release my plans and path ahead to swerve and be where Jesus wants me. As a planner who likes to have things mapped out, that is not always easy to accomplish. The beauty of Brody being fully in that moment was a stark reminder of the value of being aware of where the Lord is moving and jumping on board even if that means a detour from where I had planned to go. Just head straight for Him.

·         Allow the presence and reality of Jesus to draw us in. Once Brody’s eyes locked on this little plastic Jesus, he had no other desire than being near Him. If I consistently lived in the reality of who Jesus is, nothing could deter me from spending time with Him; yet I often let distraction rule my days. Jesus is overwhelmingly alluring if we truly recognize the reality of who He is. How could I want to be anywhere but in His presence when I know His character, His love, His patience, His faithfulness? I want to hunger and thirst for the Lord in a way that nothing else can hold a candle to being near Him each and every day.

·         Let the light of Christ change us. I believe it is impossible to be wholly in the presence of Lord and remain unchanged. As Brody sat and stared at the scene before him, the light from these figurines glowed on his face…and beyond that, his countenance changed to reflect absolute peace and contentment. Jesus Christ is a piercing light into the darkness. He doesn’t allow the dark corners in us remain in the shadows, but He invades every part of us. That light does not bring condemnation (although sometimes it does bring correction), but it brings love like we cannot experience anywhere else and His light changes us. The more I allow Jesus to redeem my own heart and life, the more others see His glow in me. I want to radiate His presence the way Brody did just being near an image of Him.

Moment #2:  As the boys and I drive in to work and school each day, there is a certain intersection that we get to where we pray for our day. In the craziness of getting out the door by 6:30 each morning, I use that intersection as a reminder to pray once we have settled into our drive a bit. Twice this week, Brody has prompted me to pray long before we reach that point in our drive. On Tuesday he said “Let’s pray RIGHT NOW, let’s not wait”. I’m not sure any further explanation is needed here, but what a great phrase to remember that God longs to hear from us at all points throughout the day. We don’t have to wait for a meal time or quiet time or only while we are reading our Bible. Pray as the Spirit moves, pray thankfully as you encounter good things in your day, and pray when you have need. Just pray and ‘let’s not wait’!

Moment #3:  One night last week, I had a really rough night. These have not been commonplace in Chris’ absence, but it was a night that I had trouble getting to sleep and once I finally did I had a terrifying dream about an intruder in our home. I awoke with fear on my heart. As my heartbeat slowed back to a normal rhythm, I had a clear feeling that I was right smack in the middle of spiritual warfare. It was almost as if I could ‘see’ the battle going on for my heart in that moment. I lay in my bed and prayed and prayed and attempted to get back to sleep. Right as I was drifting off, I heard Brody come out of his room and he came and stood right by the side of my bed. I asked him what he needed and he responded, “I just needed to come and give you a hug, mommy”. I know without a doubt that my little guy, at three years old, was in tune with the Lord to heed His prompting to come into my room and show me a little love in a moment that I needed it. It was a beautiful, precious moment that I will not ever forget.

That night was a great reminder to me to pay attention to those nudges from the Spirit. I tend to have a more reserved personality and I can often choose to ignore what I feel or talk myself out of taking action on things that the Lord impresses upon me. It might be a word of encouragement to someone I don’t know well, it could be giving a hug when I’m not sure it’s wanted, or a word of wisdom for someone’s life. Brody jumping out of bed that night just to come give me a hug was an awesome example to me of moving when and where the Spirit leads.  It makes me wonder how many opportunities I have missed out on by not acting.

It is so incredible to watch the heart of my child be drawn to the Lord and to see intimacy happening between he and his Savior. I am blessed, humbled, and overcome at a God that invites little children unto Himself and has a unique relationship with them. I pray that Brody’s heart is always in a place to zero in on Jesus and that he wants to be in the presence of the Lord above all else.

Deployment - Month One

Four weeks ago, it all started with good-bye. Our day started out like any other family day; PJs, breakfast, a movie and lots of snuggles on the couch. We then began to get ready for the day and it is almost as if everything slowed down as we came nearer to our drive to the airport. Chris and I shared a few sobering looks as he played with the boys knowing the significance of each little moment. As Chris was putting his boots on, Brody climbed up in his lap and just sat. This will be etched in my mind for quite some time:

When all of Chris’ things and the boys were loaded into the car, I went back in the house and found Chris walking from room to room taking it all in one last time. As he paused at Caleb’s doorway, we both realized how much would change in the time he was away. A year is a long time, especially with little ones growing and changing so fast. Caleb will no longer be in his crib when Chris gets back, he will be potty trained and without his paci. Reality sunk in a little deeper in that moment. After one long hug in the doorway we were heading to the airport.

Thankfully, the airport was pretty quiet that day and we had a small corner all to ourselves. Our little family huddled together and Chris prayed over us all. I kept thinking how surreal the moment was and how much it felt like we were in a movie, not real life. I thought of what we must look like to those around us and how I never would have imagined myself in this role of army wife saying good-bye to my soldier as he heads off to war. We talked and prayed for a few minutes and walked Chris to where he had to leave. We embraced again, tears running down my face as I watched him walk into the terminal.

I made it out of the airport and actually made a quick stop at the store holding myself together. But, when I got home, the heartache and tears came on and off all that day.

The next few weeks went by pretty uneventfully. It was kind of a strange limbo with Chris in New Jersey because we could still talk almost every night. With all of the training he had to do before deployment, it felt somewhat normal, as if Chris would be home in a week or so.

The boys have been adjusting fairly well. Caleb often asks where daddy is in the mornings and giggles like crazy when we listen to the recordable story book that Chris left for the boys. Brody struggles more at night…his stuffed animal posse is growing as he needs more comfort and now he sleeps with one of Chris’ shirts as well. Each night Brody and I read this amazing story book about a soldier being deployed and how he figured out how to play catch with his son each night while he is away. Instead of throwing a baseball, they blow the stars to each other every night since day and night are reversed in their locations. So, each and every night, Brody and I step outside and he blows as hard as he can up into the sky to be sure that all the stars and the moon reach daddy wherever he is. It is a tangible way for Brody to play and interact with Chris and Brody takes his star blowing responsibility seriously!

This past week has altered the initial stage of this all feeling somewhat normal – reality is setting in that Chris is not just at training due home any day. It is sobering.  And yet there is still no way to fully grasp what life missing Chris looks like for 12 more months. I have been on the verge of tears more in the last 4 or 5 days than in the first three weeks combined, I think. I am missing my partner, my friend, my co-parent, my man like crazy.

I try to stay positive and remember that we are checking days off until he comes home again, but it is hard. Some days I can truly grasp that we really are counting down and other days I have to choose over and over again to think positively and find the silver lining.

It is strange to not know how my husband spends his days, to not know if he is having a great day or a terrible one. I don’t know at any given time if he is feeling excitement towards what lies ahead for him or if he is feeling fear or apprehension.  What we face in the year ahead is so huge that most of our conversations focus on the little things like what we each did that day, what funny things the boys have said or what our plans are for the coming weekend because the other “stuff” is just too big for a 5 minute cross-country phone call.

I cannot even begin to imagine all that Chris is feeling, learning and experiencing on his end of this deal. I feel like the lucky one that I get to see our boys every day and have the comforts of home and family. Oh friends, pray for my husband. Pray that he is encouraged, that he finds hope each day, that he finds a sweet closeness with the Lord that would show through in everything he does. Pray for purpose to be clearly imprinted on his heart over the next year. Pray protection for his heart as he is far away from us, pray for relationships with those he serves alongside, pray for success in the work that he is doing.

Beyond prayer, let Chris know that he is not forgotten…send him notes on facebook, email him, send him cards and care packages. Encourage him with scripture and prayer, send him things to make him laugh, tell him everyday things that seem normal to us but are a world away for a soldier.

One month down, definitely more than a few to go. There are ups and downs, great days and not-so-great days, but our God is constant and His love is always present.

Unexpected Gifts

I had Christmas music playing on my way home from work today and was listening to the words as they tried to capture the enormity of the gift of a Savior and the unimaginable way that gift was presented through the birth of a child. Put yourself in the context of that time, long awaiting a King who will save the world…then, imagine hearing that he has arrived as a child. It must have been absolutely unbelievable and, for some, probably only served to revive their feeling of hopelessness in the waiting. And yet, it was because of that child the world changed. Through something that seemed impossible, greatness came. Through something that seemed so ordinary came love beyond our comprehension. Absolutely amazing.

It caused me to think how God likes to work in situations where we often expect Him to the least. We want all the pomp and circumstance and He gives us simple and ordinary. We expect simplicity and He blows our minds with fireworks.

It was this thought that brought so much hope to my day. I look at the year ahead and see a long stretch of time that is ordinary, sad, scary, frustrating, mundane and yet I was reminded today that it is in times like this that God sees opportunity and He does not leave us void. I don’t expect much out of this year beyond enduring it and yet a weight is lifted in knowing that it is exacly these types of moments that God claims as His own. He sees the possibility to astound us, surprise us and show up when we least expect it. For that I am grateful and for that I am abundantly hopeful.

I long to live my life in such a way that I am ever expectant for God to show up and always aware enough to recognize Him when He does. I pray for expectancy, hope, excitement and surprises over the next year. May my expectations of God increase as I see him more and more for who He truly is...deepen my faith, Lord that I might know you more!

Thankfulness

In the aftermath of our good-byes with Chris (of which I will write more at another time), and the ups and downs of emotions for the past three weeks, I am surprised how often I find myself thinking in language of gratitude. This might be due, in part, to the fact that our teaching series at church has been focused on choosing gratitude, but I would also like to believe that it is God’s overwhelming kindness in showing me a sliver of His abundant grace.

Today is three weeks from the day that we dropped Chris off at the airport. So, through a bit of tears on this Thanksgiving, I thought I would share a few of the things I am particularly grateful for this year…

My Amazing Husband – It is hard to express the amount of pride I feel in who Chris is and all that he does. As a husband, Chris loves me exactly how I need him to, even in those moments when I am hard to love, and he challenges me to live up to who he knows me to be. As a dad, I could not ask for a better partner to raise my kids with. He loves deeply, plays hard, disciplines fairly and watching him with Brody and Caleb absolutely melts my heart. As a teacher, he reaches teenagers in a way that I have rarely, if ever, seen before. His students respect him, trust him, look up to him, laugh with him and learn from him in ways that astound me. As a soldier, Chris is passionate about his country, ready to do whatever is needed to further something that he believes deeply in. Being so incredibly proud of your spouse is one of the greatest feelings in the world and I am thankful he lives his life in such a way that pride comes easily for me.

Our Marriage – In those moments when I am missing Chris the most, when it feels like my heart is physically hurting I often have this thought…”I am so glad that our marriage is solid enough that I miss him this much.” I am beyond grateful to be passionately in love with my husband and to have the kind of relationship where I miss him even if he is only gone one night. If I didn’t love him so much, I wouldn’t miss him so much and that gives me perspective in the times when being away from him is just plain hard.

Trials – God tells us to consider it pure joy when we face trials. I am so excited to see and experience all that God does in each of us over the next year. It is in challenging times that God often does the greatest work and Chris and I are already seeing the ways that God is stretching each of us. This year, I will grow as a child of God, as a wife, as a mom, and as a friend, especially through the times when it is most difficult or hurts the most.

Our Boys – Oh, man, these two little guys absolutely slay me. Brody has the most sensitive heart, creative imagination and NEVER stops talking. I am blessed by the way he loves Jesus and so readily prays for everyone. Caleb is a fascinating mix of spunk, independence and such great snuggles. He is playful and so, so funny. These boys are proving to be such good little troopers in this deployment and I am blown away by them every single day.

My Jesus – There is none like You. No one else can touch my heart like You do. I could search for all eternity long, and find, there is none like You. There are no amount of words that can accurately express all that Jesus has done for me in my life. Gratitude and praise will be forever on my lips and it still won’t be enough for the God of the universe who loves me deeply, far beyond what I deserve.

The amazing thing about thankfulness is that once I begin to think about all that I am blessed with, it is hard to find an end to the list. Gratitude begets more gratitude and on and on it goes. So, in the midst of missing Chris and my heart aching for him today, I will choose gratitude and know that we have so much to be thankful for. I am immeasurably blessed and that humbles me.

Twenty Days

Chris has been a part of the Army Reserves for 3 years, we have known of his deployment for almost 9 months and then he was at pre-mobilization training for 1 month, so when it really came down to the time before he left, we had 20 days together as a family before he deployed. I took military leave from work so that we could all be home together for those 20 days.

While there were things to prepare before he left and we planned a few fun activities, the treasured moments of those 20 days were in the simple, day-to-day rhythms. We spent hours upon hours playing trains with the boys, building blocks and snuggling up with movies. It was so precious to be able to take each day as it came and invest in our time as a family.

There was a special grace to our time that allowed us to enjoy each moment without getting caught up in grieving the moments we won’t have in the coming year. The last few days were difficult and more emotional, but before that our focus was simply to have fun together and we did! Chris and I feel so incredibly blessed to have these 20 days and I know the memories will help to sustain us in the coming months. Here’s a quick picture glimpse into our sweet family time…

Daddy hugs when Chris got home from pre-mobilization training

The day after Chris got home, our yard got "flocked" by my mom as a welcome home.

The boys thought it was so funny that we had flamingos all over our yard. =)

Beach Day!

We re-celebrated Caleb's birthday since Chris was gone

The boy's first backyard fire pit!

And, first S'mores!!

Our little Pirate - Arrrgh!

Caleb wanted to be like Brody - glad we had another pirate hat!

Pumpkin Patch!



Adventures in Deployment Parenting #1

I feel quite confident that there will be many parenting adventures (otherwise known as growth areas, trials, challenges, etc) in the year to come, so I thought I would start this string of Adventures in Deployment Parenting.

The past week and a half, being away from Chris has really sunk in for all of us. We are three weeks into this first leg of pre-deployment training and we are just simply missing Chris. Caleb has been asking about Chris more often in this past week. “Daddy, army work?” is a question I hear about ten times each day. Before Chris left, he was home on summer break, so the boys and I would beep the horn when we came home from our day and Chris would come out to meet us. In the past week, Caleb has started insisting that I beep the horn when we pull into the garage in the hopes that it will make daddy appear at the garage door. When he doesn’t come out, Caleb says “Daddy’s sleeping” because that must be the reason he isn’t meeting us at the door.

Brody is the ever-caring big brother and makes note that whenever Caleb is upset (or in trouble) that he “must be missing daddy”. Seriously, Brody has got his brother’s back! I actually think it is Brody who is missing daddy most in those moments, but it’s easier for him to say that it is Caleb. So, we are all really missing Chris and counting down the days until he gets home next week for a 20 day stay until the big deployment day.

So, given all that, here’s parenting adventure #1: Giving grace in abundance without being taken advantage of. 

It rightly tugs at my heart strings whenever Brody says that he misses his daddy, but I am trying to find balance in giving much grace knowing that he does truly miss his daddy, yet knowing that I don’t want “I miss daddy” to become a magical get-out-of-jail-free phrase that allows for bad behavior. Sometimes the intention of his words is obvious; if he’s about to get disciplined for something and suddenly says how much he misses his daddy, I acknowledge that I do too, but let him know that doesn’t change what just happened and the fact that I am going to address his behavior with him. Other times, I struggle to know if the extent of emotion that I see is due to Brody being overtired or if it is one of those instances where separation from one we love just hurts so much it cripples us for that moment. Those are the more difficult times to navigate as a parent. As alone as I feel right then and wish that Chris was there to parent by my side, I am at the same time so abundantly grateful that I don’t have to parent alone. It is in those moments that I can lead by example and go to our Father that never leaves us or forsakes us. Prayer is powerful and when we pray with our children and for them, something changes in us and something changes in them. I don’t always come away with a clear answer for what to do next, but I know that at least as I decide how to handle the situation, my heart is right. Prayer shows my son love in a way that nothing else can and it knits our hearts together in a way nothing else can.

So, it is still a process to know when to give grace and when to hold fast to boundaries, but at least I know I’ve got one great action step in my arsenal that is better than anything I can come up with on my own. Pray for me that I would always remember prayer first as I navigate the path ahead and pray peace for all of our hearts. We serve a mighty God who delights in the prayers of His children!

Releasing & Rejoicing...or Trying, Anyway

Chris left this morning for one month of training in California before he deploys to Afghanistan in early November. I feel like we are at the starting line of a marathon warming up our legs as the runners in front of us begin to move. We are in for a long haul, but are actually a bit relieved to finally start the journey. The waiting and anticipation of him leaving has been trying at best.

As the reality of the year ahead is no longer looming in the future, but actually here, I find myself releasing so many things; dreams, plans, control, etc. I say releasing because I have in no way arrived at having released all of these things and moved beyond them. It is an ongoing process for me.

I am adjusting to not being in control – as I mentioned in a previous post, the army will definitely wear you down in that area. Plans and expectations are constantly changing with them. So, while I don’t like it, I am used to it. One of the most difficult things to let go of is my own timeline of life plans. Chris and I were eagerly looking forward to beginning the adoption process this year and were hopeful to add a new addition to our little family. The mom in me knows that our family is not yet complete and so I long for the next little person’s arrival. Releasing my own timeline of that happening in the next year has been a grieving process and there are moments where it catches me by surprise how much it hurts. I know in my head that God’s timing is perfect, but it is hard for my heart to catch up.

I recognize that I will have to release my abilities and capabilities as a mom to make everything okay for Brody and Caleb. There is nothing I can do that will make them not miss their daddy and I can’t fill in all the gaps that he will leave. Oh, I will try to do these things, don’t get me wrong. I will wrestle with them and play catch the best I can. But, in the silence of the evenings after the boys are in bed, I know that I am not able to completely fix the boo-boos of their little hearts.

On the lighter side of things, taking care of spiders and other creepy-crawlies in our house is known as a “daddy job.” This means, if you see one, it is daddy’s job to take care of it. From now on, I guess it will have to be known as “this is a daddy job, but I’m not gonna freak out and I can do this job.” Releasing fear – this one will take some time, not because of the spiders - I can actually handle those okay, but for the quiet evenings and night-times. Those are the moments when fear and worry creeps in for me – I don’t like being without Chris and I have a distinct feeling that I will not like all of the not knowing once he is in-country in Afghanistan. Fear and worry are things I will have to release almost every single day and sometimes moment-by-moment, learning to replace it with hope and trust.

In releasing these things, I know that I will have to replace the fear, control, worry and everything else with something. Or better said, with Someone. I have a choice to release the things of the day and rejoice in the character of Christ. It is something I have to choose because I won’t necessarily feel like rejoicing all the time. In choosing to focus on the goodness of God and in the reality of who He is, it will focus my heart on what is important and will allow Him to do work in me. It won’t make all of the hard stuff go away, but it will make me able to bear it.

I want the boys to see their mommy able to weep in the difficult moments, and yet find joy in the Lord and in His presence with us. I want them to have a tangible image of how our awesome God meets us in the places we need Him most and know that He is incredibly worthy of praise, even when our hearts hurt and we have tears streaming from our eyes. I want Brody and Caleb to know that God is dependable and tangible in our times of need and they will only learn that if I show them through my own dependence first. So…here we go! Our adventure and dependence begin today.

Psalm 118:28-29
You are my God, and I will praise you!
You are my God, and I will exalt you!
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.

Prayer requests – We will take them all, but specifically in this time we would ask for prayer for Brody. He and Chris have had an amazingly close few months in their relationship with some new special routines which makes evenings and bedtime really hard for Brody without his daddy. Pray for comfort, peace to reign in his heart and sleep to come easily.

Catch-Up and Countdown

It has been awhile since I have written, but it has been a busy month or so. Here are the highlights…

We headed down to Cali for a family vacation and Chris’ first good-byes before he leaves. We had such a great time! It was the perfect balance of simply relaxing in my in-law’s backyard, getting to connect with friends & family and enjoying some fun activities. One of the biggest victories was simply the fact that I relaxed, which I don’t tend to do very well – woohoo!

We took the boys to Disneyland and had a GREAT time. They are at a really fun age to take it all in (but in all honesty, we loved every minute of it too – that place really is magical!). Meeting Mickey, Brody driving his first “real” car and the boys meeting their hero, Buzz Lightyear were the definite highlights…

Chris and I were grateful to get a few minutes down at the beach to complete the trip…

When we returned, reality set in for me that the next big thing headed our way was for Chris to leave. I think in my mind I had always had the buffer of our trip to California, but now that trip was done and him leaving is all that is left. Chris got his official orders last weekend for a deployment date of November 3 for 400 days. He has training starting September 14 for a month, then home for two weeks before he leaves in November. The training makes it feel as though his deployment starts much sooner than November 3, but I am so grateful for those two weeks in October. We continue to plug along balancing the to-do’s of daily life, getting ready for deployment and living in the moment and savoring our time together.

There you have it; you are caught up on the biggies of the last month. Many more thoughts to come as we count down to deployment…all our love to you all and thanks for walking this path alongside us!

Walking on Water

Let me start off by saying that I am a planner. I like to be in control, I like to know where my day, my week, my year is headed at least in a general sense. I have learned to be more flexible, especially living with Chris who is a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants kind of guy. But, I still like to know what is up ahead and have a sense of the plan whenever possible.

I have been asked a lot lately if Obama’s declaration last week to get troops out of Afghanistan by next September affects Chris’ deployment status. Let’s just say that communication is not the military’s strong point and Obama didn’t give us a personal call to let us know what will happen. We are still under all assumptions that nothing has changed for Chris’ deployment – change, if it happens at all, happens slowly and Chris is part of a unit that tends to go in on the tail-end of things anyway. But, we don’t really know anything right now. We don’t have Chris’ official orders yet and at the same time, we have nothing indicating that his deployment has changed.

So, in the midst of the unknown, we continue to walk ahead. We do not let ourselves stop or get complacent; we put one foot in front of the other each day heading towards what is unknown. I should know by this point in my Christian walk that God likes to take us out of our comfort zone to grow us into who He desires us to be. Our life right now is no exception and I can clearly see God challenging me beyond myself.

I don’t know the plans and I don’t have any control over them anyway, so now I have to begin to truly trust. I used to hate those games that we played in junior high where you would have to trust someone to lead you around blindfolded or fall into someone’s waiting arms without looking. I trust fairly easily in the basic day-to-day aspects of life and relationship, but when it comes down to true, utterly dependant trust where myself or my ability to control is at stake, I struggle a bit.

I realized this past weekend that right now, trust is all I have…and amazingly, I’m not afraid. It is only by God’s wonderful grace that I can say that I am being transformed from fearful trust-er to joyful follower in this season. I have no idea what plans lay ahead, but I’m walking forward with my eyes on the only One who can keep me afloat. In Matthew 14, Peter steps out of the disciples' fishing boat to walk on the water towards Jesus. He is able to do this only as long as he keeps his eyes (and his faith) in Christ and doesn’t allow the fear of his surroundings drown out his focus on the Lord.

So, that is where I (and we) start. We walk forward following the Lord and trusting Him to take us where we need to be for His plan, not necessarily our own. I have a feeling that trust is a lesson I need to learn now because it will certainly be tested in the year to come. I am overcome with the desire to chase after the Lord with all that I have when Chris is away and to run after Him joyfully. I don’t want to get stuck in the crud that is me, but I want to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus who will keep me afloat.

Thank you, Abba for being my solid ground and for holding our future in Your hands!

Dozer Days - Finally!

We have this event right by our house each year that is every little boys' (and probably most big boys') dream come true. They haul every kind of heavy equipment vehicle (diggers as the boys call them) you can imagine into one huge rock quarry and let the kids climb in them and actually work them. It is really amazing.

For the past two years, Chris has been on his army drill weekend during Dozer Days and hasn't been able to go. This year, he finally made it!! Brody was so excited to show daddy the diggers that he now considers himself a pro at working. This year was also big because it was the first year that Brody could actually get on the working diggers (kids have to be 4 - or almost in Brody's case). This has been something we have been looking forward to for a long time now; that we could all go together. It was CRAZY, but we managed to get in a dump truck ride, Brody got to dig and we saw a few other things in the midst of an insane crowd.

I am so incredibly glad that Chris got to go with us this year - it's one thing that has squeaked in before he leaves that we have been looking forward to. Brody is already excited for next year and now, when Chris sees the pictures, he will be able to feel like he's there with us a little bit more since he got to be there this year. Yay!

Sitting in the back of a giant dump truck

The boys just checkin it all out...well, at least Brody was

Caleb's ready to work with daddy!

Brody's digging!!

He was so serious - concentrating hard on scooping up that dirt!

A Shift

In the past couple of weeks, the emotions Chris and I are experiencing have gone from waiting mode to impending. Our time has suddenly shifted from deployment being far away to it feeling more real and, at times, right around the corner. Chris has begun spending more time at his unit in preparation; getting paperwork in order, finalizing flight plans, beginning to learn the language. Those things on top of the school year winding down all bring a sense of reality to his leaving.

I heard a song come on the radio yesterday called Just a Kiss (Lady Antebellum) and I can’t even tell you any of the other lyrics because the title alone brought me to tears. I began counting how many more days I have left to kiss Chris good morning or good night and felt the weight of all the time ahead that I would not be able to do those things. The reality for us right now is that there is no such thing as *just* a kiss or *just* holding hands. Each of those things has changed from being a part of our daily life to treasured moments before we no longer have the opportunity for quite some time.

It is also amazing in the midst of these emotions how much we can experience the one-ness that God designed for marriage. Chris got home last night and had also had a hard day processing deployment. We share in our struggle and are connected in it and through it. Thankfully, with our boys we have some comic relief built into every day. Last night was no exception…

Brody put on quite the amazing show for us. A few weeks back, he got to go with grandma to see his Auntie Betsy in a play at her high school (Pirates of Penzance) and ever since then we have  been attending plays in our house almost nightly with a pretty humorous pirate playing all the roles. So, last night, Chris and I got to be in the audience waiting for the curtains to open and watch the most precious growling pirate come on stage. Any other day, this would have simply been a hysterical, funny moment to enjoy, but through the lens of deployment, it was bitter-sweet as we both realized it was moments like this that will be missed for more than a year. We let that little pirate “Arrrrghhhh” his way right through to bedtime!

Hope

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  1 Cor. 13:7

These words are water to my soul today! It is only Wednesday, but it feels like this has already been a long week; or maybe it is already a long month. We are in the home-stretch for Chris’ school year, so there is open house and lots of other ends to tie up all while keeping up with his ever-changing military schedule. He has quite a bit of training and other things for the army over the next few weeks. I can barely keep up with where he will be and when, let alone when we will have a date night or good family fun time. Deployment has been weighing on Chris a bit more than normal this week and that takes its toll on all of us. It is something that comes and goes in this season of preparation.

We are just plain tired. But, Chris and I are fighters. I mean that in the best possible ways; we fight to maintain boundaries for our family, we fight to remain connected to one another, we fight to hold fast to the things in life we believe in and want to be about. We recognize that we are at war in this world and some days we are more battle-weary than others. But, then I read this verse and it just gives my heart the little boost it needs to make it through today.

Never giving up and never losing faith is something that Chris and I work hard to cultivate and, at this point comes fairly easy for us. As I said above, we are fighters. It is being always hopeful and the promise of endurance that brings refreshment. I am a person that can plow ahead so hard for so long that I hit a wall feeling like despair. But, there is always Hope and with that one word I feel myself sigh with relief. There is hope in the One that created us, the One who brought Chris and I together and gave us our beautiful, amazing kiddos, the One that calls each of us to our purpose. And this amazing God is our stronghold in battle and our refuge in times of need. Ahhh…Hope.

I have a feeling I will revisit this verse a lot over the next year and I pray that hope will always remain strong in me.

The 3-Letter Word

Since getting the deployment news, Chris and I have thought about many things; milestones that will be missed, our time apart, the boys and their tender, little hearts, Chris living in the desert, etc. We have talked about our time away from one another, how to equip the boys well, details and emotions.

What I haven’t thought about is one short, little 3-letter word that holds a ton of weight…war. This word is just starting to creep into my thinking. My husband is headed off to war. Those are words I never used to think would apply to me. Before I got married, I never pictured myself as a military wife. Then, Chris joined the army. We made that decision together and we knew with confidence that this was part of what God had purposed for Chris to do; who He made him to be. Thankfully, I still know, with possibly even greater confidence that is true! The military has become part of life for us as Chris heads off one weekend each month to serve. But, war is something completely different. It is real and it is scary.

I am not overwhelmed by these thoughts, but they do bring a seriousness that is a good, healthy balance to the laughter about sandstorms and living in a world of one color palette (brown!). As I see news snippets from time to time about what is happening in Afghanistan, it is a sobering reminder for me to be on my knees in prayer for my husband. It is also a clear reminder of the impact that Chris will have while he is there. I know that God has BIG plans for Chris. We might be tempted to think that Chris is headed over to accomplish a mission laid out on paper, but I know that God has a much bigger and much more crucial mission that He wants to use Chris for. How awesome to consider all the people that Chris will touch and the opportunities to minister and show the gospel! Being in a war zone is serious, heavy stuff, but it is also a chance to bring true Hope to people who might be more receptive as they each deal with their own process of being away.

I never pictured being a military wife, but now, I couldn’t be more proud to count myself one of them! I recognize now that just as joining the army was a purpose God placed on Chris, being an army wife is a purpose that God has placed on me! I look forward to embracing that and learning what it truly means in the highs and in the lows.

So, pray for my heart as I process the thought of war. Pray that I would recognize that reality, but not get stuck there. Pray that God would already be preparing hearts for Chris to touch. Pray, pray, pray for our boys.

Magnified

With 5 months to go before deployment, our day-to-day life really hasn’t changed. Chris and I both still get up and go through the daily routine of work, marriage, parenting, household chores, etc. I am certain that this dynamic will change as deployment gets closer, but until then, life feels fairly normal.

There are some moments, however, that break through the normalcy and remind us what lies ahead. These scenes play out as if they are in slow motion or that we are looking at them through a magnifying glass. Moments that we often take for granted or situations that would seem sweet but normal take on more meaning now.

It happened a few times this past weekend. Chris sitting with the boys, all snuggled up in an oversized chair or family time in bed on a Saturday morning. Sure, we might have paused before and noted the sweetness of the moment, but now I grab the camera and click away to capture these memories.

It is as though the small things in life have become magnified. The sweet moments become memories to capture on film and not just in our mind. The challenging moments feel more overwhelming imagining them on our own, either here at home or in the middle of a dry desert. In some ways, this is wonderful – it highlights the things in life that are truly important. In other ways, living life interspersed with magnified moments can be exhausting.

I imagine this will be the pace of life with Chris away. The small things will feel bigger in both good and hard ways. The sweet, silly, fun snapshots will seem lacking somehow. I will want to call Chris and tell him all about the funny thing that Brody said or the hysterics that Caleb is causing; or better yet, tell him face-to-face when he gets home at the end of the day. Will these stories translate well over email or will I have to keep a list of them to share with Chris when we actually get the chance to talk? I also think of the moments when I want to pull my hair out, when the boys are being mischievous or they are both sick and I just need a reprieve. Scripture is so right when it says in Ecclesiastes 4 that:

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Celebrating and commiserating will look differently in the season ahead as we learn to do those things long-distance and with others around us. I already look forward to the time when Chris’ homecoming is magnified and looming huge on the horizon – I will be ready with my camera then too!

Puttin' On My Green Jacket

A number of years back, Chris and I heard a sermon by our friend Mike, and it has stuck with us and comes up in our conversations from time to time. Mike referred to one of the stars of Rocky 2 in the end scene when Rocky is running through the city. Watch here if you haven’t seen it:

Did you notice the little girl in the green jacket? You didn’t?? Watch it again and notice her coming up on the left-hand side of the screen after Rocky runs up the stairs (about 2:24 into the clip). Wow, talk about the role of a lifetime for that little girl – she gets to run up, surround this amazing, superstar of a person and cheer him on for all of about 3 seconds!

Okay, so maybe she is not the star of the movie, but as Mike talked about this clip, he likened this little girl to our purpose here on earth. In James 4, God tells us that our lives are “just a vapor that appears for a little while and vanishes away.” Sobering thought. Likewise, all throughout scripture, it is clear that our purpose in that short amount of time is to bring glory to God so that others might come to know Him. We ARE that little girl in the green jacket, only we aren’t praising Rocky, we are praising the living God! Our lives are like that little 3-second blip on the movie screen and our greatest purpose is to run around, screaming and cheering on the name of the Lord! Can you imagine if that little girl had just pouted her way through the scene or stomped her feet in defiance? She would have missed her opportunity to do what she was purposed to do in that movie. I do not want to miss my opportunity in this short life to rejoice, cheer and lift high the name of the Lord; sometimes even running around with a crazy grin on my face shouting at the top of my lungs!

This view of life also helps me look ahead to the journey set before our family. I want to view this season of deployment as our three seconds to display our joy in the Lord and to cheer for His amazing works in and through us! Nehemiah says that the joy of the Lord is our strength. That is my banner verse for this year. Notice that it doesn’t say that the joy of the Lord will be my strength only when Chris returns or only when this trial is over. It says that the joy of my Savior IS my strength- today!

It is so easy to slip into the mindset of enduring Chris’ deployment, simply making due. I know there will be days that will be hard and there will be times when I am just tired; tired of being alone, tired of parenting on my own, tired physically. But, I am choosing to defy living in an enduring mindset! I am trusting and claiming that this will be a season where God is glorified in us and through us, even in the midst of challenges and growth. This will be a time to praise and glorify the Lord in the valleys and the hills. As much as possible, I want to be that little girl in the green jacket screaming my head off about how good God is, how faithful He is and how overwhelming His love is, especially in the challenging times.

Now, watch the Rocky clip again and see yourself as that little girl jumping up and down in excitement for the Lord - it'll get you fired up!

When Practice Doesn't Make Perfect

Between now and when Chris leaves for Afghanistan, he has a number of short trainings to attend that last anywhere from a long weekend to two weeks. My initial thought about these short trips was that maybe they would help me be more prepared for when he leaves in September; that they would be good practice. I was definitely wrong. Chris has been away for three days now and one of the things that I love about our marriage is that we still hate being away from one another, even for just one night. So, while practice might come in handy to begin new routines for just me and the boys, there is no way to practice missing someone. There is no amount of time apart that will make it feel normal. Routine maybe, but normal? Nope. That is a sobering thought as we face so much time away from one another. For fourteen months, missing him will not get easier, it will simply be a part of every day.

As I have recognized this and sat with it the past few days, it began to feel like I was suffocating a little bit and I felt despair sinking in. Then, I realized that in this next season God will become real to me in deep and personal ways because He will have to. I will have to cling to the Lord with everything in me and allow Him to be my confidant, my companion, my support. Words like dependence, surrender, reliance, trust and hope all become necessary lifelines and look like water in the desert. Immanuel, God with us – oh, how I love that and cherish that God will be with me, Chris, Brody and Caleb each and every day!

This is the pace of life these days; recognition of some difficult part of the road ahead, grief for what that experience will be, then a pendulum swing to God’s loving arms that can handle it all and provide exactly what each of us will need in every moment of that fourteen months. Peace and confidence floods in as I remember that He is in control and we are simply walking in His plan.

Beginning Our Adventure

A little over six weeks ago, Chris came home from his weekend serving in the Army Reserves with the sobering news that he is being deployed to Afghanistan for fourteen months beginning in September. We always knew that deployment was a possibility when he enlisted over three years ago, but the reality was still surprising. We had no inclination this was coming; he simply got pulled aside in the course of his day and told that his name showed up on the list of people to go.

I can only imagine what Chris’ drive home that night must have been like, thinking through every possible scenario of how to break the news to me. The poor guy must have been a bit of a wreck! So, he sat me down and told me as gently as he could that he was being deployed. In that moment, I said the first thing that my heart felt which was that I still believed in the cause of our country and I still believed in his role within the army and his heart for service. It was a surprisingly short and calm conversation. It wasn’t until Chris started calling some of his family and co-workers that I thought “Wow, he’s not kidding. He is really, truly going and this is actually happening.” There was a part of me that thought later that night, Chris would look at me with his funny little I’m-up-to-no-good grin and tell me that he was just kidding (at which point, he would have slept on the couch for playing such a cruel joke on me), but that moment didn’t come.

Since that time, we have been processing little by little. We allow each other a lot of freedom to feel whatever comes at any given time. There are moments for each of us where we are handling it well – Chris is learning the ENTIRE history of Afghanistan so that he will be the local expert when he gets on the ground there. There are also moments of sadness and feeling overwhelmed – those days for me are usually when I am tired, the boys are grumpy and the moment when my teammate walks through the door for back-up is a beautiful sight, just to realize that I won’t have that when he is gone.

In the midst of processing, we are just waiting. Chris and I are both the type of people that get information and just go, so waiting another 5 months seems tedious these days. If this is the next adventure that God has us on, let’s get to it! I guess God must have something for us in the waiting as much as in the journey.

So, all of this to say…here is our blog leading up to and through our time of deployment. I hope to be able to post updates about Chris’ time away, the fun adventures that Brody, Caleb and I will have together, glimpses into our journey and prayer requests for our family.

Preparing for Adventure,
Chris, Alissa, Brody and Caleb