Deployment Month 5 - Learnings

We are one month away from the half-way point in this deployment and I thought I would take this opportunity to share some of my learnings thus far.

Deployment is Hard :: It might seem like a no-brainer, but deployment is hard in many ways. It drains you emotionally and physically. There are so many things wrapped up in each day that by the end I am typically just falling into bed. Deployment is lonely; even though the boys and I have gotten into our own rhythm and routine, I still miss Chris every single day. It is a vacancy that has settled in the depths of my bones and is always there underlying the moments and days.

There is No Script :: I have said this before, but I am a planner. I love lists, plans, rules, schedules and routine. The often quoted phrase “If you want God to laugh, tell Him your plans” is ringing in my head right now as I learn a whole new level of flexibility and releasing expectations. You might call this newfound flexibility ‘survival mode’ as there are some days that I just try to get through the day with the house, the kids and myself intact. I am learning that things can seem so important in the moment, but when it comes down to it, really aren't what matters. I started out with some goals for me and the kids while Chris was away – fun activities out of the norm on a regular basis, Caleb’s potty training and paci weaning, and on and on.  Five months into our new routine, I have begun to put greater focus on the things that give us life and light in our days. So, now the focus has been more on the fun activities than the timeframe and rules of cutting out Caleb’s paci. I am learning to live in the moment and take things as they come instead of holding strong and fast to a plan that makes me feel as though I am in control. I am learning to be God’s pencil each day in writing the script instead of trying to be the hand directing the story.

Being Fully Present is a Challenge :: There is so much floating around in the back of my mind or emotionally stirring just under the surface that it is difficult to be fully present at any given time. The underlying distractions that everyone experiences in life are more deafening in deployment. I am almost constantly calculating the time difference between here and Afghanistan, wondering what Chris is up to, what he is experiencing, if he is okay. I am also constantly on high alert with the boys, making note of their emotional temperature and trying to fill in some of the gaps left by having their daddy far away for so long. I feel guilty for not writing Chris more, for not calling friends, for being exhausted at the end of each day. All of this is a constant part of the background noise that makes it hard to be fully present in any given moment. Even at home with the boys, it is hard not to be tied to my computer hoping to connect or communicate with Chris for a few brief minutes or risk missing him and not having contact for a few more days.

Time Differences Stink :: Afghanistan is 11.5 hours ahead of our time zone, so our days and nights are reversed. I am heading to bed when Chris is waking up and vice versa. This means that there are few precious hours of overlap in any given day to even possibly connect and most of those few hours are when the boys are sleeping. So, time to communicate with Chris is limited for me and almost non-existent for the boys. One thing I hear most often from people is how thankful I must be or should be that we live in an era with skype and email and that we aren’t going through this in WWI times. While I can acknowledge the truth in that statement, it is the only thing people have said to me in this time that really frustrates me. Skype, email and chat are available, but inconsistent; throw in the time difference and it limits those things even more. Moreover, Skype can’t give me a hug when I need one, a shoulder to cry on when I’m sad. Email can’t tuck the boys in at night or wrestle with them on the floor. Those conveniences only go so far.

Worry is a Way of Life :: At this point in the war, I feel like most people tune out the news related to anything going on in Afghanistan or Iraq. The war has been going on for so long and has been played from so many angles in the media and political realm that a lot of people have become immune to it. In contrast, I could be all the way across a busy store and hear or see a story about Afghanistan on a TV and become glued. My ears and subsequently, my heart are always on high alert for news. Although Chris is in an “office job” with the army, it doesn’t mean there is no risk. In his five months there, he has spent many hours in a rocket attack bunker and has stood guard as fallen soldiers are loaded onto airplanes to make their way home. The war is still real and the enemy still exists. As so many military spouses experience, there is always a part of us that fears unknown cars stopping by our driveway, worried we will see someone in military uniform get out to bring the worst possible news. There is fear of what our loved ones are experiencing and all that they will need to process when they get home, how they will re-acclimate. Although worry is not typically the most prominent of my emotions on any given day, it is a constant undercurrent that I have learned to live with these past five months.

Deployment is Do-able :: While all of these challenges are real, deployment isn’t all bad and it is completely do-able with God’s help! The Lord is faithful to supply what we need and He is faithful to continue working in each of us in incredible ways through this time. I am learning which things are truly important and which things I need to let go of. I am trying to learn greater amounts of patience and asking for help. These are all important life lessons to be learned and deployment has given me the opportunity for them to be right in my face; impossible not to grow. Deployment is do-able; not in a 6-month or 1-year chunk, but day by day and sometimes minute by minute. We tick the days off one-by-one and eventually we will arrive at Homecoming Day (I can’t wait!!!!!!).

Pride Soars :: I have always been proud of my husband, but watching him serve and sacrifice and live out his belief in the Lord and in our country through deployment is absolutely amazing. I see every single day what he sacrifices to be there; our boys’ smiles and laughter, chasing them around, a cozy bed each night, all of the comforts of home. I am so incredibly proud of the man that Chris is and the man that deployment is shaping him to be. I am also proud to be counted among the amazing men and women that are military spouses. I have connected with a few groups and I can tell you these people are amazing! I have witnessed them be strong, proud, deeply compassionate, bold, lovers of their spouses and lovers of the Lord. It is a community knit together by shared experience of deployment and military life and it is truly beautiful.

As we prepared for this year, we knew that it would be hard, but we were also confident that in difficult times, God can grow and change us dramatically. We committed to allowing Him to work in each of us. I can now say that it would be hard to not change in this time. Through the highs and lows, one thing remains ever constant: The Lord is our strength and our portion; in Him we will not be shaken!