Four weeks ago, it all started with good-bye. Our day started out like any other family day; PJs, breakfast, a movie and lots of snuggles on the couch. We then began to get ready for the day and it is almost as if everything slowed down as we came nearer to our drive to the airport. Chris and I shared a few sobering looks as he played with the boys knowing the significance of each little moment. As Chris was putting his boots on, Brody climbed up in his lap and just sat. This will be etched in my mind for quite some time:
When all of Chris’ things and the boys were loaded into the car, I went back in the house and found Chris walking from room to room taking it all in one last time. As he paused at Caleb’s doorway, we both realized how much would change in the time he was away. A year is a long time, especially with little ones growing and changing so fast. Caleb will no longer be in his crib when Chris gets back, he will be potty trained and without his paci. Reality sunk in a little deeper in that moment. After one long hug in the doorway we were heading to the airport.
Thankfully, the airport was pretty quiet that day and we had a small corner all to ourselves. Our little family huddled together and Chris prayed over us all. I kept thinking how surreal the moment was and how much it felt like we were in a movie, not real life. I thought of what we must look like to those around us and how I never would have imagined myself in this role of army wife saying good-bye to my soldier as he heads off to war. We talked and prayed for a few minutes and walked Chris to where he had to leave. We embraced again, tears running down my face as I watched him walk into the terminal.
I made it out of the airport and actually made a quick stop at the store holding myself together. But, when I got home, the heartache and tears came on and off all that day.
The next few weeks went by pretty uneventfully. It was kind of a strange limbo with Chris in New Jersey because we could still talk almost every night. With all of the training he had to do before deployment, it felt somewhat normal, as if Chris would be home in a week or so.
The boys have been adjusting fairly well. Caleb often asks where daddy is in the mornings and giggles like crazy when we listen to the recordable story book that Chris left for the boys. Brody struggles more at night…his stuffed animal posse is growing as he needs more comfort and now he sleeps with one of Chris’ shirts as well. Each night Brody and I read this amazing story book about a soldier being deployed and how he figured out how to play catch with his son each night while he is away. Instead of throwing a baseball, they blow the stars to each other every night since day and night are reversed in their locations. So, each and every night, Brody and I step outside and he blows as hard as he can up into the sky to be sure that all the stars and the moon reach daddy wherever he is. It is a tangible way for Brody to play and interact with Chris and Brody takes his star blowing responsibility seriously!
This past week has altered the initial stage of this all feeling somewhat normal – reality is setting in that Chris is not just at training due home any day. It is sobering. And yet there is still no way to fully grasp what life missing Chris looks like for 12 more months. I have been on the verge of tears more in the last 4 or 5 days than in the first three weeks combined, I think. I am missing my partner, my friend, my co-parent, my man like crazy.
I try to stay positive and remember that we are checking days off until he comes home again, but it is hard. Some days I can truly grasp that we really are counting down and other days I have to choose over and over again to think positively and find the silver lining.
It is strange to not know how my husband spends his days, to not know if he is having a great day or a terrible one. I don’t know at any given time if he is feeling excitement towards what lies ahead for him or if he is feeling fear or apprehension. What we face in the year ahead is so huge that most of our conversations focus on the little things like what we each did that day, what funny things the boys have said or what our plans are for the coming weekend because the other “stuff” is just too big for a 5 minute cross-country phone call.
I cannot even begin to imagine all that Chris is feeling, learning and experiencing on his end of this deal. I feel like the lucky one that I get to see our boys every day and have the comforts of home and family. Oh friends, pray for my husband. Pray that he is encouraged, that he finds hope each day, that he finds a sweet closeness with the Lord that would show through in everything he does. Pray for purpose to be clearly imprinted on his heart over the next year. Pray protection for his heart as he is far away from us, pray for relationships with those he serves alongside, pray for success in the work that he is doing.
Beyond prayer, let Chris know that he is not forgotten…send him notes on facebook, email him, send him cards and care packages. Encourage him with scripture and prayer, send him things to make him laugh, tell him everyday things that seem normal to us but are a world away for a soldier.
One month down, definitely more than a few to go. There are ups and downs, great days and not-so-great days, but our God is constant and His love is always present.
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