Releasing & Rejoicing...or Trying, Anyway

Chris left this morning for one month of training in California before he deploys to Afghanistan in early November. I feel like we are at the starting line of a marathon warming up our legs as the runners in front of us begin to move. We are in for a long haul, but are actually a bit relieved to finally start the journey. The waiting and anticipation of him leaving has been trying at best.

As the reality of the year ahead is no longer looming in the future, but actually here, I find myself releasing so many things; dreams, plans, control, etc. I say releasing because I have in no way arrived at having released all of these things and moved beyond them. It is an ongoing process for me.

I am adjusting to not being in control – as I mentioned in a previous post, the army will definitely wear you down in that area. Plans and expectations are constantly changing with them. So, while I don’t like it, I am used to it. One of the most difficult things to let go of is my own timeline of life plans. Chris and I were eagerly looking forward to beginning the adoption process this year and were hopeful to add a new addition to our little family. The mom in me knows that our family is not yet complete and so I long for the next little person’s arrival. Releasing my own timeline of that happening in the next year has been a grieving process and there are moments where it catches me by surprise how much it hurts. I know in my head that God’s timing is perfect, but it is hard for my heart to catch up.

I recognize that I will have to release my abilities and capabilities as a mom to make everything okay for Brody and Caleb. There is nothing I can do that will make them not miss their daddy and I can’t fill in all the gaps that he will leave. Oh, I will try to do these things, don’t get me wrong. I will wrestle with them and play catch the best I can. But, in the silence of the evenings after the boys are in bed, I know that I am not able to completely fix the boo-boos of their little hearts.

On the lighter side of things, taking care of spiders and other creepy-crawlies in our house is known as a “daddy job.” This means, if you see one, it is daddy’s job to take care of it. From now on, I guess it will have to be known as “this is a daddy job, but I’m not gonna freak out and I can do this job.” Releasing fear – this one will take some time, not because of the spiders - I can actually handle those okay, but for the quiet evenings and night-times. Those are the moments when fear and worry creeps in for me – I don’t like being without Chris and I have a distinct feeling that I will not like all of the not knowing once he is in-country in Afghanistan. Fear and worry are things I will have to release almost every single day and sometimes moment-by-moment, learning to replace it with hope and trust.

In releasing these things, I know that I will have to replace the fear, control, worry and everything else with something. Or better said, with Someone. I have a choice to release the things of the day and rejoice in the character of Christ. It is something I have to choose because I won’t necessarily feel like rejoicing all the time. In choosing to focus on the goodness of God and in the reality of who He is, it will focus my heart on what is important and will allow Him to do work in me. It won’t make all of the hard stuff go away, but it will make me able to bear it.

I want the boys to see their mommy able to weep in the difficult moments, and yet find joy in the Lord and in His presence with us. I want them to have a tangible image of how our awesome God meets us in the places we need Him most and know that He is incredibly worthy of praise, even when our hearts hurt and we have tears streaming from our eyes. I want Brody and Caleb to know that God is dependable and tangible in our times of need and they will only learn that if I show them through my own dependence first. So…here we go! Our adventure and dependence begin today.

Psalm 118:28-29
You are my God, and I will praise you!
You are my God, and I will exalt you!
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.

Prayer requests – We will take them all, but specifically in this time we would ask for prayer for Brody. He and Chris have had an amazingly close few months in their relationship with some new special routines which makes evenings and bedtime really hard for Brody without his daddy. Pray for comfort, peace to reign in his heart and sleep to come easily.